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The FSA (Food Standards Agency) has told all supermarkets to remove fake meat from their shelves. Pressure from farmers has led to this groundbreaking announcement, one that is sure to annoy vegetarians across the country.
For many years we have been used to seeing products like ‘Vegetarian Bacon’ on display in our supermarkets. In fact, ever since the invention of vegetarianism during the drug-filled 1960s, hippies have been creating more and more foods that look like meat, and attempt to taste and smell like meat, but actually contain no meat whatsoever. These products have filled the fridges and freezers of supermarkets worldwide, but now, before it is too late, the FSA have stepped in to say ‘no more’ to the manufacturers.
Sandy Boyd, esteemed press officer at the Q Guild of Butchers, was thrilled at the news, “I’m suitably thrilled at this news. It’s about time someone put a stop to this nonsense. Meat-Free Sausages, Quorn Hamburgers, Vegetarian Bacon, all ridiculous foods. What is the point? If you want to be a vegetarian, why would you want something that looks and tastes like meat? You don’t see butchers producing Carnivorous Lettuce do you? I have nothing against vegetarians but they should stick to the vegetable aisle at the supermarket and stop trying to take over the meat freezers. I went to Asda the other day and they had a whole aisle dedicated to fake meat. I was appalled. At least now, something has been done to stop these tree-huggers.”
He added, “No-one really knows what Quorn is anyway. It sounds like it’s trying to be corn but I’ve never seen any Quorn on the Quob. I’m glad these people will now have to be open about their sexuality. Or whatever it is. Oh yes, vegetarianism. No more hiding behind a tofuburger at a barbecue, acting as if they’re a normal person. A hearty sausage inside you does a world of good.”
Quorn CEO, Kevin Brennan said at a press conference yesterday, “We are not trying to stop people eating meat, we are just trying to give vegetarians something more tasty than a butternut squash. For too long our vegetarian friends have had to put up with ‘Nut Roast’ as the only option away from cabbage, then along we came with the taste of bacon in a non-meat product. We changed the world for the better, we have helped the pig population increase, we have taken away the one temptation that always plagued vegetarians. Taking our products off the shelves will cause us untold problems: we will have to make staff redundant, I won’t be able to afford to take my wife for a good hearty steak. Heck! Our remaining staff won’t even be able to afford our traditional ‘McDonalds Monday’. What makes this worse is that we spent so long creating the ‘Horse Meat Scandal’ last year, and all that’s gone to waste now.” (click here for news of a profits boost for Quorn)
An FSA spokesperson explained their point of view, “We had to do this. How silly it was for them to believe they could get away with making fake meat. I have been told that the way these manufacturers made the vegetarian bacon taste like the real deal was by cooking quorn strips in bacon fat. How’s that helping vegetable people? We had to take a stand and by doing this we will be opening up more shelf space to real foods, like black pudding and haggis. We found out some shocking news the other day too. Did you know that even though Mo Farah, star of the Quorn adverts, isn’t even a vegetarian? Scandalous. We have lodged a complaint at the complaint lodging department of the Advertising Standards Agency about this.”
Leading supermarkets have assured The Daily Skid that they will still stock a large range of peppers, sprouts, avacados and mushrooms for anyone still interested in avoiding protein.
Welcome to yet another Sunday. Today we will be rounding up the biggest news stories of the week as normal, following the return of Phil Woods and Steve Smith from their undeserved day off yesterday.
Everyone assumed that the phrase ‘Selling sand to the Arabs’ was just one big joke, well not anymore. This week a scientist in Saudi Arabia managed to extract the small glass fragments from sand, thus making a less coarse collection of granules. This amazing find will bring huge benefits to some Arabs as Jaquil Al-Abadu, of Sands ‘R’ Us explained, “This will be quite the boon to people who keep camels. The sand is soft and sumptuous, thus leading to a far better surface for our humped friends to walk on. No longer will their feet be sore with the constant walking on inferior terrains.” This new sand will go on sale from 26th December and can be bought by anyone in the middle east for less than $1,000 per kilo.
English people will soon be given the option of vaccinations before they cross the Welsh border. For years it has been thought that the Welsh language is an ancient tradition and the people of Wales have campaigned to keep it alive, however it has recently been proven that there is a more sinister reason for the lack of vowels. Professors at Lancaster University have discovered that English children who have spent weekends or worse still weeks in Wales, have gone back to school and mysteriously forgotten how to use vowels. Not only that, they have spelt words with pointless extra F’s and L’s. It is believed that a disease, transmitted by small amount of spittle when the Welsh speak is to blame. The new vaccination will allow people to continue to holiday in Wales without being infected. Anyone wishing to have the ‘Welsh Fever Inoculation’ should speak to their GP before travelling.
The war of words has started again between Norway and Denmark over the rights to rule Greenland. Since the Treaty of Kiel, the Norwegians have been keen to get the island back under its control, however the Danes have dug their heels in and said no. Now, the Norwegian government have issued an ultimatum to the Danish and said, “Give back what is rightfully ours or we will be forced to take sanctions. We will start by telling everyone that Denmark is not the only choice when it comes to bacon purchase, and if they still don’t listen we will tell them that Hans Christian Andersen characters are not real.” This has put Denmark in an awkward position and it’s believed they will seriously consider returning Greenland to Norwegian rule as early as New Years Eve.
Antoni Marti, President of Andorra, has lodged a complaint with the Press Complaints Commission over constant reporting of nothing in his country. He said last week, “Just because nothing happens here, there is no reason for people to write about it all the time. As for the bored Andorran baby used in pictures connected to Andorran articles, well that is just pathetic.”
To the dismay of toy makers, the Russian government is to introduce a ‘doll tax’ which will increase the price of the traditional wooden nested ladies by 20%. Officially called the Matushka Tax, after the name of one sort of the nesting dolls, it is to be introduced due to the government struggling for funds in the current economic situation. Nikolai Vodsmirnofov of the Federal Tax Service explained, “When one toy is purchased, the customer ends up with more than one toy. Well this has gone on for long enough. The government enjoys a 10% tax on all toys, but it’s unfair that we miss out when multiple toys are secreted within one larger toy, so the dolls will be taxed at 30%, which is still a bargain. When this sort of secreting of things happens in airports people go to prison. Toy makers should be relieved that they are simply having their livelihoods threatened.” This morning George Osborne swiftly formed a Kinder Egg Tax Committee to discuss a similar idea.
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