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Following the World Cup 2014 draw on Friday and subsequent complaints about the amount of travel and the extraordinary weather, FIFA have made the unprecedented move of transferring the competition to another country. FIFA president, Sepp Blatter announced on Sunday evening that next year’s World Cup will now be held in Andorra.
Sepp Blatter explained the reasons behind FIFA’s decision, “We had complaints about the heat in Brazil and the amount of travel that would be involved, we felt the need to take immediate action. The list of complainants was long and included world footballing giants Norway, Luxembourg, Wales, Faroe Islands and San Marino. We asked Brazil to turn the heat down for the few weeks that the world cup will be on, they have tried to tell us that it’s impossible. I know it isn’t, I have a thermostat in my house, any reasonable person knows that heat levels can be reduced. When Brazil refused to honour our request we decided to strip them of this unique tournament. We have instead given Andorra the opportunity to host the competition.”
The logic behind giving the World Cup to Andorra was given in a document handed to all the competing nations at a special meeting in Rio last night. It told us that FIFA believe the weather in Andorra is more neutral, it will suit all of the national teams better than the 99% humidity in parts of Brazil. It also made reference to the travelling time for fans and teams alike, it has a land area of just 180 square miles, this means the maximum travel time would be around 30 minutes.
Andorra has three stadiums with an average capacity of 2,099 which FIFA believes is ample and will reduce the chances of hooliganism. All the stadia have been completed and are able to host football matches immediately, this is in stark contrast to the problems faced in Brazil.
Brazilian World Cup hero Pele was not happy at this news, “This is terrible news for the beautiful game. Brazil means football and football means Brazil – you can’t say that about Andorra. No-one even knows where Andorra is, including Andorrans. So what if half the stadiums in Brazil won’t be ready? I used to play football in the streets, so today’s players could do the same. It’s better than having twelve people cram into a tiny stadium in Andorra.”
Andorran co-prime minister, Joan Enric Vives Sicilia was overjoyed at the news, “This is great news, we’ve just missed out on qualifying for the competition, especially if you take into account our total of 12 goals scored in our history of world cup qualification. That is some going, I can tell you. We have the facilities here to make this a wonderful world cup. We can cope with the influx of people, we have around 10 million visitors a year, it’ll be easy for us to have thousands of fans here instead. We can’t wait for this to start, we have even made enquiries to try and get Elvis Presley to sing at the opening ceremony, if he’s available that is.”
FIFA told us that the Andorran national team would take the place of Brazil in the competition as they are now the hosts. The opening game will be Andorra vs Croatia on the 12th June 2014 at the Comunal d’Andorra la Vella .
Welcome to your regular weekly news round up from The Daily Skid.
The UN has warned the Japanese government about its infringement of the new international trade laws. By December 2016, Japan must reduce production of its main exports – vehicles and electronics – by 20% and hand this over to another country. A spokesman from the UN told us: “We are considering which country should take over 20% of Japan’s manufacturing. The Japanese are lovely people but we can’t read a word of their language, so we think they’ll get along well with the Welsh.”
Tesco have finally won the ‘Supermarket War’ following this weeks international humour battle. During the week Asda hit the headlines (here) by complaining about an apology we attributed to them (here), while Tesco maintain their good reputation by going along with the joke (here). Asda’s CEO, Andy Clarke, may have possibly said, “We are very sad at loosing the war over humour, we all thought the price of beans would win this conflict.”
A gentleman walking along the main street in Andorra nearly stepped on an ant, however he missed.
Following the World Cup draw on Friday, many of the worlds football associations are trying to decide whether to make an official protest against the searing heat at some of the match locations. The Norwegian FA President, Yngve Hallèn was outraged, “I’m outraged, this is outrageous. We may not be in the world cup but our neighbours in Honduras are. Brazil should really be turning the temperature down in time for the world cup. It’s an outrage.”
The people of New Zealand have been up all night celebrating. Streets have been overwhelmed with parties that have taken over the country. There were fireworks, the likes of which the world has never seen. Our New Zealand reporter has told us that the party is still in full swing now, twelve hours later. Prime Minister, John Key explained, “We knew this would please our people, we just knew it. The country has never seen scenes like it, fantastic. I myself have partaken in several beverages in celebration. It isn’t everyday that a country is the first to discover a new technology.” Broadband will be available to 8% of the population at first and spread out gradually over the next ten years.
A 78 year old female has been arrested by local police after being caught riding on a meerkat. Precious Mbano said, in her defence, “I have had eyesight problems for a long time now. This is just a case of mistaking a meerkat for a horse. The police are far to quick to arrest people rather than letting us explain. It isn’t all sinister.” Local police chief Efgra Mbo elaborated, “Let me make it clear, Precious has been caught before, she was deported from China when she was 16 for riding a wild panda to work, the Australians sent her home from holiday when police arrested her for travelling in a kangaroo pouch and perhaps worst of all, she had her green card taken from her in America when the F.B.I spotted her trying (but failing) to mount a cricket.”