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bird xray NSA GCHQ

A top secret file has been provided to us, from a source within GCHQ (Government Communication Headquarters). This reveals that the UK government has been working on a classified project with the American NSA (National Security Agency), a plan which has led to thousands of unmanned drones being deployed across the two countries.

The drones are equipped with full colour X-Ray imaging equipment that will allow the surveillance of the general public within their own homes. These remote-controlled aircraft are just 20cm in length and are very difficult to see with the naked eye, especially as they are flown at over 100 metres and are disguised as birds. The documents we have show that they are used to gather information that is unavailable online or via telephonic equipment. The two agencies are believed to have over 30 videos and 100 still photos of each person in the UK and USA. The most frightening part of this is that these pictures are taken at any moment and through solid walls. Who knows what they have managed to collect?

Foreign Secretary, William Hague, explained the reason behind such a move, “We need to protect the people of Britain. Only by introducing high-level security measures are we able to counteract terrorism threats. By using these drones we are able to see people in their homes when they believe nobody is watching, catching them at their most vulnerable. We can see whether someone is planning an attack on our nation or simply having a bath, which, I am sure you’ll agree, is invaluable information.” When asked if there’s a chance they could be taking videos of people getting undressed and whether that was moral, he answered, “Of course they can, but the public can rest assured that nobody outside GCHQ, NSA, MI5, MI6, the Police and the Government will be able to see any of the videos gathered. It’s all perfectly moral in the grand scheme of things. You don’t complain when we listen to your phone calls or watch you on Twitter and Facebook, do you?”

Recently a video of Kim Kardashian surfaced on the internet – a video filmed by one of the drones – and we spoke with her about this, “I wondered how that video got onto the internet. I thought this was supposed to be secret surveillance, well we all now know it isn’t. I would never record myself doing things like that. It’s naughty of them to do this, I am severely vexed at this. I do remember a bird flying outside my window when this film was taken.”

A spokesman for the NSA refused to comment on the issue, denying that any such project was in existence, “I refuse to comment, no such project is in existence. You are all just creating another scare story for the people of this great nation.”

When we asked him about the documents we had in our possession, he replied, “Anyone could have written them, so what if they are on special NSA headed paper.”

We explained that a drone had been captured by one of our reporters, and he responded with, “That’s just a dead bird with a disability. I’ve seen loads of birds with X-Ray video cameras instead of eyes and NSA/GCHQ printed on their wings. Where’s your real evidence?”

It was unlikely that we would be able to get any further information from the American, he left in a hurry on his mobile phone. We did overhear him muttering something like, “They’re onto us, those darned Brits again, spoiling everything.”

This is all a worrying invasion of our privacy. Our advice would be: if you see a suspicious bird, keep your clothes on. If it continues to hover outside your house, and you are not a terrorist, then throw stones at it until it goes away.

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