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broccoli

The retail sector has reported a 7000% rise in Broccoli sales over the past 48 hours. Experts have attributed this extraordinary increase to the story we ran two days ago, where we revealed how Broccoli is the new drug of choice for teenagers.

The story itself (click here) explained how teenagers have been smoking and snorting the now popular green vegetable, along with reported incidents of people drinking the green liquid produced from boiling broccoli. This has led to a sharp rise in broccoli use around the world.

Waitrose, a UK supermarket, reported scores of teenagers acting suspiciously around the vegetable sections of their stores. Walmart in USA had to turn people away from their stores as broccoli addicts queued up for their fix. Norwegian supermarket giants KIWI said they had to add security to their customer toilets as teenagers were caught doing lines of broccoli on the cisterns. Belgian group Delhaize reported pensioners buying broccoli on behalf of underage people. French hypermarket Carrefour told the news agency Reuters, “We had to limit the amount of broccoli sold to individuals to just three florets per person.” Tesco, who have branches as far afield as Watford and China, said they got suspicious when scores of teenagers bought a pan, along with broccoli. These are just some of the worldwide problems being reported by food retailers, or dealers, as some youngsters are now calling them.

The biggest concern was in Los Angeles, America. The LAPD (police) had planned to raid over 50 ‘crack’ houses last night, instead the raids unearthed people simply covered in bits of broccoli. One police officer described the scene at one raid, “We went in with the intention of arresting as many people as possible. When we charged through the doors the place was covered in those bits of broccoli you have left on the chopping board when you cut it up. It absolutely stunk, I can only describe it as a cross between farts and cabbage water, it made my eyebrows singe it was that bad. We couldn’t arrest anyone as broccoli consumption hasn’t been made illegal yet, although we are working on it.”

David Cameron set up an emergency COBRA meeting to discuss the situation. Home Secretary, Theresa May said, “We talked at length about the situation and have decided that it must not be allowed to continue. We will be issuing a bill through parliament today which will ban all sales of broccoli until scientists have finished with their studies of ‘greens’. Until more is known I will most certainly stop snorting florets myself.” She added, “I can’t believe that One Direction have been so irresponsible as to name their next album ‘The Broccoli Hits’. They need to take a long hard look at themselves, especially with their influence over youngsters.”

The Daily Skid would like to thank everyone who has promoted the story over the past couple of days. Without you, the message may never have got out there. With your help we have probably saved many people from a life long addiction to the vegetable.

Click here to see the original story.

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