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broccoli

The retail sector has reported a 7000% rise in Broccoli sales over the past 48 hours. Experts have attributed this extraordinary increase to the story we ran two days ago, where we revealed how Broccoli is the new drug of choice for teenagers.

The story itself (click here) explained how teenagers have been smoking and snorting the now popular green vegetable, along with reported incidents of people drinking the green liquid produced from boiling broccoli. This has led to a sharp rise in broccoli use around the world.

Waitrose, a UK supermarket, reported scores of teenagers acting suspiciously around the vegetable sections of their stores. Walmart in USA had to turn people away from their stores as broccoli addicts queued up for their fix. Norwegian supermarket giants KIWI said they had to add security to their customer toilets as teenagers were caught doing lines of broccoli on the cisterns. Belgian group Delhaize reported pensioners buying broccoli on behalf of underage people. French hypermarket Carrefour told the news agency Reuters, “We had to limit the amount of broccoli sold to individuals to just three florets per person.” Tesco, who have branches as far afield as Watford and China, said they got suspicious when scores of teenagers bought a pan, along with broccoli. These are just some of the worldwide problems being reported by food retailers, or dealers, as some youngsters are now calling them.

The biggest concern was in Los Angeles, America. The LAPD (police) had planned to raid over 50 ‘crack’ houses last night, instead the raids unearthed people simply covered in bits of broccoli. One police officer described the scene at one raid, “We went in with the intention of arresting as many people as possible. When we charged through the doors the place was covered in those bits of broccoli you have left on the chopping board when you cut it up. It absolutely stunk, I can only describe it as a cross between farts and cabbage water, it made my eyebrows singe it was that bad. We couldn’t arrest anyone as broccoli consumption hasn’t been made illegal yet, although we are working on it.”

David Cameron set up an emergency COBRA meeting to discuss the situation. Home Secretary, Theresa May said, “We talked at length about the situation and have decided that it must not be allowed to continue. We will be issuing a bill through parliament today which will ban all sales of broccoli until scientists have finished with their studies of ‘greens’. Until more is known I will most certainly stop snorting florets myself.” She added, “I can’t believe that One Direction have been so irresponsible as to name their next album ‘The Broccoli Hits’. They need to take a long hard look at themselves, especially with their influence over youngsters.”

The Daily Skid would like to thank everyone who has promoted the story over the past couple of days. Without you, the message may never have got out there. With your help we have probably saved many people from a life long addiction to the vegetable.

Click here to see the original story.

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Category: Entertainment

high court

Journalists from one of the UK’s most popular literature magazine ‘Rebecca’s Books’, have today been at the High Court facing charges relating to ‘House Hacking’, a practice of illegally entering peoples homes in order to gather information to use in book reviews. The Daily Skid reporters and authors of ‘Beat About the Bush – The funny side of language’, Phil Woods and Steve Smith have both been giving evidence in todays trial.

Recently a national highbrow newspaper in the United Kingdom, ‘News of the World’ closed it’s doors in the wake of a scandal known only as ‘Phone Hacking’, a practice of eavesdropping on private phone calls of celebrities and the like. In this latest wrongdoing, the head journalists at ‘Rebecca’s Books’, have been accused of breaking into houses and stealing the hand written notes of authors. The courts heard from witnesses today as our own resident authors, J.K. Rowling, Stephen King and Agatha Christie took to the stand.

Phil Woods told Judge Arnold Goatoojale, “I got back to my house and my kitchen window had been smashed, someone had been into my house. I went upstairs and immediately noticed that the box room door was open, someone had used my new pouffe to climb up and reach my note pad. Someone had obviously read it as there was a muddy fingerprint on it. The next day ‘Rebecca’s Books’ published a review of my next book which isn’t even written yet. It’s terribly inconvenient and upsetting, I can’t believe what has happened, my life will never be the same again.”

The editor of ‘Rebecca’s Books’, Andrea Coldson, will appear in front of the judge tomorrow, she was available to speak to The Daily Skid after the days proceedings. She explained, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. For a start, I didn’t do any so-called ‘House Hacking’, and even if I did, why am I in court? It’s only the same thing as burglary and people get away with that every day. The public complain to the police that their house has been burgled and the police give them a crime number and Bob’s your uncle, you have your insurance claim sorted. Why on earth people are so sensitive, I have no idea. We have a duty in this country to print information about new books before they are released, how else will people know what to read in 2015?”

Upon reading this back at the Daily Skid offices retorted, “She is stupid if she thinks it’s ok to do this. Our musings are our own. She talks about freedom of the press all the time, well, I’ll stick freedom where the sun don’t shine if she carries on with this malarky. There is highly sensitive information in our pre-release scribblings, nobody has the right to see that before we do.”

Other members of the defence were J.K. Rowling who said, “I don’t know why she broke into my house, I’ve finished writing all the Harry Potter books now. Not only that, it would have taken her ages to read my notes, if there were any to find.” Also at the court today was an unusually silent Agatha Christie, she didn’t look at her most healthy but we have to realise she is 124 years old.

Before our legal correspondent left the court he spoke to a member of the jury, David Slapdash explained his viewpoint, “Well it’s obvious she’s guilty, before we have even heard her speak we can make this judgement. It’s a slam dunk for us jurors as you only have to see the newspaper photos to see that she just has that look about her.”

The case continues on Monday and as ever we will have reporters there to bring you any breaking news.

 

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