Thursday , 2 April 2020
News Alert!
  • Welcome to our new mobile friendly theme!
  • Try clicking on a comedian's picture in their joke or video!
  • Check out our awesome sharing options!
  • Click on the topic picture in a joke or video for more on that topic
  • Youtube import is working again!

Alex Ferguson
  • 8 Jokes

How Recent: All Time
Staff Picks
My Comics
Show Everyting

Manchester United Withdraw from Premier League

manchester_united_glory_wallpapers_003_basketball_balls

Following a dismal season for the once all-conquering football team from the English Premier League, Manchester United have decided to try their hand at Basketball instead.

For the past 20 years, Manchester United Football Club have been without doubt one of the most successful teams in the world, winning no less than 13 Premier League titles since 1993 and numerous other trophies. Their fans come from as far afield as Hong Kong and Alaska. Few come from Manchester, as the locals tend to veer towards the more grounded and realistic Manchester City.

At the end of last season, Sir Alex Ferguson left his managerial post to become a full-time whisky taster, and the club employed another Scot, David Moyes, to take over. The 2013/14 season has been one in which they have no longer been feared, with the supporters of their next opponents, whoever they were, saying to each other, “Oh! We play Man United next week, we should easily pick up three points.”

When David Moyes was sacked (“for being rubbish”, according to the club’s press release at the time), Manchester United ‘legend’ Ryan Giggs took over. He too couldn’t improve results for the team. It was then that the club’s owners, the Glazer family, realised that the players couldn’t actually play football anymore and should try Basketball in the 2014/15 season instead, leading to their withdrawal from the Premier League.

Owner Malcolm Glazer told reporters, “We know our players can’t play soccer, so we looked at other options. We do have some very tall players such as Chris Smalling and Danny Welbeck who would be more suited to basketball. Rio Ferdinand is too, which is why he’s just announced he’s leaving the club to manage one of our rival basketball clubs. I’m also told we have a player called Kagawa, who is quite short, so he would be a good player to run under the legs of any opposing team’s taller players. Then there are some English players like Wayne Rooney and Phil Jones who are nearly tall and could sit on our bench. They will prefer that as I know the English like to have a cup of tea before they do anything. It seems to be the only option to keep the good name of Manchester United alive in the world of sport.”

Glazer continued, “When Alex Ferguson was at the club it was traditional for the umpire to blow the game finalization whistle after the first goal after 90 minutes, as long as it was us who scored it. These days umpires aren’t as fair and end the game in line with some stupid ‘laws of the game’ or something, even before our equalization goalshot. Basketball is perfect for us because the clock stops regularly – almost as much as it used to in our soccer games. The only problem is it hurts when players dive, but Rooney is our expert in that area and has a lot of protection around the waist.”

Local MP for the Stretford area, Kate Green, told of the value to locals: “This is great news. I hear they are going to build a roof over Old Trafford so that they can play basketball. This is brilliant for the people of Manchester, who instead of getting wet watching pathetic football can stay warm and watch basketball. What makes this even better is that a basketball game often has over 150 goals a game, compared to the 1 or 2 in football.”

Comedian and Manchester City supporter Jason Manford explained the opposing fans’ view: “It’s inevitable really, we’ve just won the league again and Man Urinals are upset. They can’t beat us on the football field so they are trying another sport. Perhaps they will move to America and join the NBA, that way they can be closer to their loyal supporters.”

The English Premier League are currently in talks with the club to try to keep them in their football competition. Several clubs, including West Brom, Stoke and Sunderland, are appealing to Manchester United not to do this as they don’t want to loose one of their mid-table rivals. We will keep you updated as to the progress of this story.

Read More
Phil Woods

Phil Woods

Funny is not THE word.......it's A word
Connahs Quay

Your Favourite Story Is………..

Following our poll which began on Thursday, you have voted for ‘Norwegians Apologise for Viking Invasion’ as your favourite story on The Daily Skid. The results are here followed by the original winning story. Thank you for your votes;

Norwegians Apologise for Viking Invasion – 37.5%Exclusive – Strictly Come Dancing Final Postponed – 18.75%Government Overrule 2014 City of Culture Result – 15.63%The Real Reason Alex Ferguson Left Manchester United – 12.5%NHS to Tell Obese; “Face it, You’re Fat” – 9.38%League One Football Club Move Kick Off for Doctor Who Celebrations – 6%

viking boat

A special Norwegian peace making convoy have today visited the UK to formally apologise for the Viking invasion in the late 7′s and early 8′s. We sent our top reporter to witness this historic occasion, which to no ones surprise was devoid of the unrepentant Danes and Swedes.

At the centre for historical accuracies in Skegness a direct descendent of King Harald III gave the following statement, “Today, the Norwegian monarchy, government, people and petroleum executives would formally like to say sorry for the invasion of Britain by our ancestors the Vikings. We really want to be forgiven so that more British people visit Norway, we have been struggling to attract people despite an agreement with RyanAir to offer return tickets for £40.” He then decided to try and lay some of the blame elsewhere by saying, “It really wasn’t all our fault, the Danish started it with their attack on Lindisfarne, we only followed by invading Scotland, which we thought the rest of Britain really didn’t care about.” Further into his long and somewhat dreary speech he got a little more specific, “We would really like to apologise to Aberdeen, Berwick, Hull, Lincoln, Peterborough and Ely for the destruction of those cities. We would also like to apologise for missing Swindon and Milton Keynes.” In a final point he tried to humour the listening few, “We would really should have known better than to attack one of your football grounds in 1066, it’s no wonder we lost the Battle of Stamford Bridge.”

This is a historic day for both Britain and Norway, following high level negotiations between both governments. In order to get a feel for the story as a whole, we decided to speak with a member of the The Highlands Intelligence Co-operative (otherwise known as THIC), they had this to say, “This is certainly a turn up for the books, historically the Scandinavians have all had the same attitude to this unnecessary and barbaric attack, however the Norwegians have certainly shown that they are a changed nation. This apology is great news for both countries and we can go on to lift the trade embargo so both countries can finally buy each others wood pulp.” We asked him if there would be any kind of official celebration, “Probably not as such. We would however announce today that any street name with the word ‘Viking’ in it would be changed to the word ‘Norway’, for example in Meols on the Wirral, ‘Viking Way’ will be renamed ‘Norway Way’ with immediate effect.”

To gauge the public opinion we tracked down the only living survivor of the Norse invasions and asked him what he thought of today’s developments, Fred Dollis or Chiswick said “They don’t know what they are talking about, they invaded more than just the Outer Hebrides, I can’t believe he has just said that. It makes me so angry, I am forced to remember them coming in their long boats with their horny hats and attacking our forts. They were never satisfied with that either, once they had got into our forts, they took our wives and girlfriends too and started to invite them to discos. On the other hand I do accept their apology though because I am a good person. Have those…..where….what’s happened?”

NewsBeat were pleased to be invited to such an exclusive event and are excited to bring such good news to both the British public and of course our Worldwide readers.

 

 

Read More
Phil Woods

Phil Woods

Funny is not THE word.......it's A word
Connahs Quay

Vote For Your Favourite Article

vote

We have selected the five top ranking stories from the past few months, based on various factors such as; Number of story views, Social media spread, Re-publishing and most talked about. We have also looked at the average statistics around the time that a story was published and looked more at the increase in percentages rather than actual numbers. This, we believe, gives us a fairer reflection of your favourites.

We would like you to now vote for your favourite from the list below and we will reveal the winning story this Sunday (12th January 2014). Each headline links to the original story in case you haven’t already read it.

1. League One Football Club Move Kick Off For Doctor Who Celebrations

2. Government Overrule 2014 City of Culture Result

3. NHS to Tell Obese; “Face it, You’re Fat.”

4. Exclusive – Strictly Come Dancing Final Postponed

5. Norwegians Apologise For Viking Invasion

6. The Real Reason Alex Ferguson Left Manchester United

So what was your favourite? Vote now using the form below. Voting will be closed at 08:00 gmt Saturday 18th January and results revealed later that day. Thank you for voting.

Take Our Poll(function(d,c,j){if(!d.getElementById(j)){var pd=d.createElement(c),s;pd.id=j;pd.src='http://s1.wp.com/wp-content/mu-plugins/shortcodes/js/polldaddy-shortcode.js';s=d.getElementsByTagName(c)[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(pd,s);} else if(typeof jQuery !=='undefined')jQuery(d.body).trigger('pd-script-load');}(document,'script','pd-polldaddy-loader'));

Read More
Phil Woods

Phil Woods

Funny is not THE word.......it's A word
Connahs Quay
Laugh Blast!
jokes and videos in your inbox

Site Tip!

Did you know that comedians love it when you spread their jokes around? Check out our nifty share options () that help you help them at the bottom of each post.

The Real Reason Alex Ferguson Left Manchester United

alex ferguson

According to the general media, at the end of the last Premier League season, long-standing Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson amicably left his post. However, today we can exclusively reveal the real reason behind the end of his tenure.

Sources from within the club have revealed intimate details of his final year in charge, including incidents of drunken behaviour, urinating on the Old Trafford pitch, stealing pies and spending endless nights in the club’s bar areas. This led to the powers that be at the club to issue him with both verbal and written warnings before ultimately sacking him. Once we learned of the allegations, we spoke to several people who have worked closely with Alex Ferguson.

Chelsea Manager, Jose Morinho told of his experiences on match days at Stamford Bridge, “He was a talented manager, there is no doubt about that, but he really liked his red wine. For the first few years of playing against United, I used to wonder where the five bottles of Vintage Bordeaux wine were disappearing to. Then, one match day in my final year at Chelsea, well, last time anyway, I caught him red-handed, and a little red-faced, removing my wine bottles and putting them in a Sainsbury’s shopping bag. It’s no wonder he always wanted the extra few minutes added onto a match by a referee. We all thought it was to give his team a better chance of winning, but it was clearly to give more time for the side-effects to wear off before the post-match interviews.”

Richard Arnold, Group Managing Director of Manchester United, explained, “We have tried to keep this quiet, but now it is out in the open we must say that despite any problems leading to his departure we still fully support Sir Alex. Everyone knows he likes a tipple or two, who doesn’t? However, it was costing the club a lot of money in unpaid-for wine and repairs to the dressing room. He did have an issue with waste paper bins, in that he always thought it funny to wear them on his head. Not everyone found this funny and quite frankly, due to the shape of his head, the bins would get warped and we would have to replace them. It was also agreed that the entire board were getting fed up with winning everything so we decided to let him go and replace him with a manager who would make the games more unpredictable. We are so glad that we finally have that man at the helm now, it’s so exciting not winning all the time.”

Brian Kidd, Assistant Manager at Manchester City, was angry at Richard Arnold’s comments, “Winning everything? What does he mean by that? I think he is forgetting that we beat them 6-1 in 2011. Even West Ham beat them 4-0 a year earlier and they are rubbish. He really doesn’t know what he is talking about.”

Stoke City manager Mark Hughes played for Manchester United under Alex Ferguson and also managed arch rivals Manchester City in 2008. He gave us his opinion, “He was a tough manager, there is no doubt about that. He used to leave his chewing gum on the benches in the changing room and more often than not a couple of substitutes would have to peel it off the back of a first team player’s bum before going out for the warm up. Sometime he would stick it in my hair, you don’t think I wanted this style do you? I know he liked his red wine, he could certainly pack away a bottle or two at half time. The only problem was that his voice got louder with every swig. We all breathed a sigh of relief when he went, but then Manchester United replaced him with what sounds like a carbon copy.”

The Daily Skid can exclusively reveal that the letter dismissing Sir Alex Ferguson had this extract, ‘Following verbal and written warnings we now have no choice but to ask you to leave following the incident in the goalmouth at Old Trafford on 24th March 2013 at Midnight.’

We asked Avram Glazer, one of the owners of Manchester United, to tell us what this incident was. He responded with the following statement, “It is confidential, I don’t know who gave you that letter. I hope they didn’t tell you what actually happened, as that would be a serious breach of trust. We would hate for anyone to find out that he had urinated on the pitch and did a poo on a ball boy’s stool. It would really put the cat amongst the pigeons.”

So, it seems that Alex Ferguson didn’t resign after all. From what we have uncovered he was sacked. A shock, certainly, but most people who know a thing or two about football always suspected that something was going on.

Read More
Phil Woods

Phil Woods

Funny is not THE word.......it's A word
Connahs Quay

Today's Featured Hot Topics

Most Popular