Following a dismal season for the once all-conquering football team from the English Premier League, Manchester United have decided to try their hand at Basketball instead.
For the past 20 years, Manchester United Football Club have been without doubt one of the most successful teams in the world, winning no less than 13 Premier League titles since 1993 and numerous other trophies. Their fans come from as far afield as Hong Kong and Alaska. Few come from Manchester, as the locals tend to veer towards the more grounded and realistic Manchester City.
At the end of last season, Sir Alex Ferguson left his managerial post to become a full-time whisky taster, and the club employed another Scot, David Moyes, to take over. The 2013/14 season has been one in which they have no longer been feared, with the supporters of their next opponents, whoever they were, saying to each other, “Oh! We play Man United next week, we should easily pick up three points.”
When David Moyes was sacked (“for being rubbish”, according to the club’s press release at the time), Manchester United ‘legend’ Ryan Giggs took over. He too couldn’t improve results for the team. It was then that the club’s owners, the Glazer family, realised that the players couldn’t actually play football anymore and should try Basketball in the 2014/15 season instead, leading to their withdrawal from the Premier League.
Owner Malcolm Glazer told reporters, “We know our players can’t play soccer, so we looked at other options. We do have some very tall players such as Chris Smalling and Danny Welbeck who would be more suited to basketball. Rio Ferdinand is too, which is why he’s just announced he’s leaving the club to manage one of our rival basketball clubs. I’m also told we have a player called Kagawa, who is quite short, so he would be a good player to run under the legs of any opposing team’s taller players. Then there are some English players like Wayne Rooney and Phil Jones who are nearly tall and could sit on our bench. They will prefer that as I know the English like to have a cup of tea before they do anything. It seems to be the only option to keep the good name of Manchester United alive in the world of sport.”
Glazer continued, “When Alex Ferguson was at the club it was traditional for the umpire to blow the game finalization whistle after the first goal after 90 minutes, as long as it was us who scored it. These days umpires aren’t as fair and end the game in line with some stupid ‘laws of the game’ or something, even before our equalization goalshot. Basketball is perfect for us because the clock stops regularly – almost as much as it used to in our soccer games. The only problem is it hurts when players dive, but Rooney is our expert in that area and has a lot of protection around the waist.”
Local MP for the Stretford area, Kate Green, told of the value to locals: “This is great news. I hear they are going to build a roof over Old Trafford so that they can play basketball. This is brilliant for the people of Manchester, who instead of getting wet watching pathetic football can stay warm and watch basketball. What makes this even better is that a basketball game often has over 150 goals a game, compared to the 1 or 2 in football.”
Comedian and Manchester City supporter Jason Manford explained the opposing fans’ view: “It’s inevitable really, we’ve just won the league again and Man Urinals are upset. They can’t beat us on the football field so they are trying another sport. Perhaps they will move to America and join the NBA, that way they can be closer to their loyal supporters.”
The English Premier League are currently in talks with the club to try to keep them in their football competition. Several clubs, including West Brom, Stoke and Sunderland, are appealing to Manchester United not to do this as they don’t want to loose one of their mid-table rivals. We will keep you updated as to the progress of this story.