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Dave Paterson
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Britain Bans ‘Polar Vortex’ From Crossing its Borders

niagra polar vortex

The British Government and the Met Office have joined forces to ban the ‘Polar Vortex’, that has blighted North America, from reaching Britain.

Temperatures dropped to around the -40°C in parts of Canada and the USA over the past two weeks. This extreme weather has been threatening to cross the Atlantic and reach Britain very soon. To ensure the British public don’t have to suffer the ‘Polar Vortex’, the government and Met Office have worked closely with armed forces in order to guarantee the country doesn’t suffer the same fate as the Americans. The British Navy will deploy its entire fleet of ships 30 miles off the UK’s west coast, the Royal Air Force will send all its planes to fly above the ships, and both will be holding in place enormous mirrors designed to reflect the cold weather front away from Britain.

John Hirst, CEO of the Met Office said, “It’s important for us to take action now. This country has far too many people at risk. I am thinking mainly about the elderly, people on benefits who can’t afford warm coats and wear tracksuit tops instead, and of course we cannot forget the Asian population of the UK who are not used to the cold weather; it is neither fair nor right to subject them to the Polar Vortex. This is the only way to ensure we are protected as a nation.”

Secretary of State for the Environment, Owen Paterson explained, “We have a duty of care. Following the shocking scenes witnessed across the Atlantic, we cannot sit back and wait for the danger to arrive. We consulted the Met Office and top scientists from the University of Bognor Regis to come up with this ingenious plan. Everyone knows how effective mirrors are at reflecting, so these huge mirrors will ensure Britain has a warm and cosy February.”

Americans are struggling to understand the British reaction to the weather. Chris Martin, a top American entertainer, told The Daily Skid, “If our gift to you, golddigger first woman MP Nancy Astor, Viscountess Astor, were still around, she’d give these weak-kneed Brits a good boxing around the ass, er, ears. Despite our contempt for our sniveling cousins, we are prepared to be magnanimous. We will put former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin aboard the next Newfoundland fishing boat headed for the Orkneys. From there she will swim ashore and advise UKcranians on the proper way to deal with the cold. As a bonus, we’ll throw in a shipping container of “Deadliest Catch” DVDs, a basket of Lutefisk, and 20 metric tons of Minnesota cold air to help with your conditioning.”

Weather expert John Kettley (he’s a weatherman of extraordinary proportions) wasn’t too impressed with these plans, “How stupid do they think we are? Big mirrors? Pathetic. There is only one way that you can stop the weather from getting here and that’s to pull the sun a little closer to the earth. Obvious! I know that we need to protect all those who have an allergy to snow, but this is taking it too far. This government need to take a long hard look at themselves, and not in one of those damned huge mirrors!”

The Royal Navy and Royal Air Force are due to deploy all troops into the Atlantic on Tuesday. Temporary bases in Donegal, Penzance, Anglesey, Morecambe and Ayr will be set up to cope with the extra military activity.

You can follow today’s very special guest contributor, Chris Martin on Twitter by clicking here

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