I always choke up when people sing "The Star-Spangled Banner." When they reach the verse about "the bombs bursting in air," I get flashbacks
to my previous stand-up sets.
At the Battle of Bunker Hill during the Revolutionary War against the English, the American commander said, "Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes -- or the stains on their teeth." The Hessians were
disappointed in the outcome of the American Revolution. Any time the Germans lose a war and they don't kill six million Jews in a war, they get frustrated. They sent Arnold Schwarzenegger forward in time to assassinate Elena Kagan, the Supreme
Court nominee, at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day. However, they got the coordinates wrong and Arnold wound up killing the state of California instead. We've made a lot of progress in America since 1776. Back then, Thomas
Jefferson owned black women. Today, Elliot Spitzer just rents them.
Everyone enjoy their Fourth of July? Some people fire guns into the air to celebrate the Fourth. Dick Cheney doesn't approve because
he thinks that's a waste of perfectly good ammunition.