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Pastors Say God Punishing Texas for Not Passing Anti-Trans Bathroom Bill

Pastors Say God Punishing Texas for Not Passing Anti-Trans Bathroom Bill:  Several pastors this week have been claiming Hurricane Harvey is God’s way of punishing Houston for not passing an Anti-Trans Bathroom Bill and for having “a very, very aggressively pro-homosexual mayor.”  Wait a minute – Canada passed laws protecting gay and trans rights.  Makes you wonder, what the hell does Canada need to do to get noticed by the almighty?

 

Kim Kardashian Says Daughter Would Make Better President:  In a new interview with Harper’s Bazaar Arabia, reality star Kim Kardashian expressed strong feelings about Donald Trump’s presidency, claiming that her daughter would make a better president.  Political experts say that while that statement is basically true, her daughter’s presidency would not be valid for the entire country, but only the North West.

 

Four Earth-sized Exoplanets May Have Large Quantities of Water:  Scientists say four of seven mysterious worlds orbiting a nearby star named Trappist-1, might very well have large quantities of water, offering a tantalizing boost to the possibility of finding life beyond our solar system.  I’m not so sure about the alien life, but this sure sounds like great news for bottled water companies as well as those who enjoy taking long showers.  As for me, I think I’ll just stay here on Earth.  I tend to get bored on long trips, especially the ones that take over 159,000 years.

 

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The post Pastors Say God Punishing Texas for Not Passing Anti-Trans Bathroom Bill appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Madonna Reveals to Fans She’s Moved to Portugal

Madonna Reveals to Fans She’s Moved to Portugal:  Madonna has informed her fans on social media that she’s relocated to Portugal for the foreseeable future, with the 59-year-old star adding that she moved there after falling in love with the “energy.”  Well, I suppose if she ever gets bored in Portugal, she can always buy herself a few more orphans – assuming Angelina Jolie hasn’t already snatched them all up.

 

Evangelical Leaders Blaming Gays for Hurricane Harvey:  LGBTQ Americans have caused the country billions of dollars in structural damage, killed dozens of people, and displaced thousands more from their homes, according to evangelical figures who are claiming gay people caused Hurricane Harvey.  Really?  While I’m no meteorologist, I get a sense that even with Hurricane Harvey’s 140 MPH wind gusts, the storm would still have a hard time competing with these windbags.

 

Rare September Rainstorm Hits Los Angeles Area:  Heaven help us! It’s actually raining here in Calabasas (West San Fernando Valley in LA) in September. What kind of crazy, mixed up world are we living in anyway? Those people in Houston think they’ve got it bad, why people here in LA are getting their hair all wet and ruining hairdos everywhere I look. Oh, the humanity!

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The post Madonna Reveals to Fans She’s Moved to Portugal appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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FBI Finds 3,178 Embalmed Human Penises in Mortician’s Home

FBI Finds 3,178 Embalmed Human Penises in Mortician’s Home:  After receiving reports of missing organs and body parts, FBI agents raided the residence of a Houston mortician, and were astonished to find 3,178 embalmed human penises.  All I can say is, I don’t care if she has served all her time, it’s NEVER a good idea to allow Lorena Bobbitt to work in a morgue.  Now the big question is, will any of this evidence stand up in court?

 

Trump Adviser Thinks Americans Can Buy a New Car for $1000:  Former Goldman Sachs president and Trump chief economic adviser Gary Cohn claims the typical family who earns $100,000 per year, can expect annual tax savings of approximately $1,000 under the President’s new tax reform plan, which they can use to renovate their kitchen or else buy themselves a new car.  And of course Cohn’s absolutely correct – assuming the Trump Administration can somehow manage to take us back to that era where they all psychologically reside – the glorious 1950’s.

 

Scientists Discovered New Species of Giant Rat:  Scientists, working in the Solomon Islands, have discovered a new species of giant rat – one with teeth so sharp, it can crack a coconut shell.  So, they’ve discovered a new species of giant rat with extremely sharp teeth?  Good grief, after months of nothing but political scandals, earthquakes and hurricane devastation, thank goodness there’s finally some good news.

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The post FBI Finds 3,178 Embalmed Human Penises in Mortician’s Home appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Rush Limbaugh Suggests Hurricanes Are a Liberal Conspiracy

Rush Limbaugh Suggests Hurricanes Are a Liberal Conspiracy:  Right-wing radio personality Rush Limbaugh created quite the controversy after he delivered a freewheeling monologue on his radio show which seemed to suggest that all these hurricane scares are simply a liberal conspiracy intended to convince the public that climate change is real.

 

Which is kind of ironic, when you consider Rush Limbaugh probably blows more hot air around than any hurricane I’ve heard of.  Hell, studies show that just closing his mouth for a few minutes would decrease sustained wind speeds by huge margins.

 

That said, old Rush may actually be on to something with this “hurricanes are just a liberal conspiracy” idea.  Hell, I just watched a video showing a bunch of unfortunate Houston residents getting overwhelmed with about four or five feet of liberal conspiracy rushing right into their living rooms.

 

But that’s cool Rush, keep insisting these hurricanes are simply a liberal conspiracy.  In fact, if I were you, I’d ignore all those fake lib meteorologists and head right out of your Palm Beach mansion for a day at the beach on that beautiful Florida coast.  Hell, I’ll be more than happy to set up some free windsurfing classes for you this weekend.  Should be ideal windsurfing conditions as there’s supposed be a pretty good breeze coming.

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The post Rush Limbaugh Suggests Hurricanes Are a Liberal Conspiracy appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Osteen Claims Megachurch Didn’t Open Doors Because Houston Didn’t Ask

Osteen Claims Megachurch Didn’t Open Doors Because Houston Didn’t Ask:  Pastor Joel Osteen has been making the rounds of the talk show circuit, offering his explanation as to why he didn’t offer his 16,800-seat megachurch in Houston as a shelter sooner for those displaced by the disastrous flooding from Hurricane Harvey.  In Osteen’s defense, he probably thought there’s no point in dirtying up his church while there’s still a possibility open that someone could find Noah’s Ark.

 

Kensington Palace Announces William & Kate’s New Royal Duties:  Now that their kids are headed to school, Kensington Palace has announced a lineup of duties that Prince William and Kate Middleton will take on this fall.  And while I enjoy making jokes about the Royals, truth be known – the only throne I really care about is the one in my bathroom.  Otherwise, we’re just talking about a family of the richest public assistance recipients on earth.

 

Pet Turtles Blamed for Multi-State Salmonella Outbreak:  The CDC says pet turtles are at the heart of a multi-state outbreak of salmonella, cautioning people that “if you do handle a turtle, be sure to wash your hands thoroughly immediately afterward.”  Turtles are causing salmonella?  Why I’m totally shell-shocked!  Sure CDC – let’s blame the turtles when they know they’re too slow to get away from the accusations.  Meanwhile, I guess all the salmon get a free pass, even though the disease is right there in their name.

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The post Osteen Claims Megachurch Didn’t Open Doors Because Houston Didn’t Ask appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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