@copyright 2017 Paul Merrifield
My Stand Up Comedy;
The minimum wage is being increased because of the escalating cost of tattoos in video games.
If you are inclusive diverse accepting, tolerant, accommodating and all embracing, then you are just a pussy who stands for nothing.
My new bumper sticker is: Rhetoric Hurts Everyone So Please Help End Rhetoric Now
Black History Month is the one month of the year you can’t complain about the Washington Redskins.
UFC stands for: Un Fucking Civilized.
Why is it always hair stylists who have the most fucked up hair?
I used to be a crossing guard until police to charged me with human trafficking.
Liberalism is the herd mentality gene in our DNA.
What is the difference between Iraq & Syria? Jalna Boulevard.
Will black history month ever make us blind to colour?
What is the last thing that Jesus said to Judas? Don’t you cross me! So help me God!
London police cruisers have the word police car written on the trunk in one of seven different languages or alphabets for people that don’t know what that flashing red light and funny siren noise is.
If wind and solar did actually work, wouldn’t somebody somewhere on the planet be taxing them instead of subsidizing them to make it look as if they work?
We may as well have solar and wind powered pumps for oil wells.
Ask me how my sex life is. Talk to the hand.
CBC made me afraid of conservatives.
If it’s not the breed but the way the dog is raised that makes pitbulls so bad, shouldn’t we then be putting down the owners instead?
Muslims punish her for being raped and conservatives punish her for getting an abortion and liberals just sit back and watch and do nothing.
Liberalism’s new policies now are “Parsley sage rosemary and thyme”.
Racism has gone from the back of the bus to having their own buses.
Why don’t frogs drive cars? Because they get towed.
Do you know who Alexander Graham Bellbowski was? He was the first telephone Pole.
Do you know why Goodyear and Firestone can’t retain their employees? Because they just get tired.
We may never know who let the dogs out but we do know that frogs can’t drive cars because they get towed.
I broke a mirror I bought at the dollar store so does that mean I only have five years of bad luck?
I have two tattoos on my body, one on my chest that says please resuscitate and one on my ass that says caution compressed gas.
The N-word is a despicable word but let’s be good sports about this. Let’s let the white guy say the N-word just once in his life, you know, when he’s trying to get out of jury duty?
Now our government must encourage more women to take on the traditional male roles such as shingling roofs, working in coal mines, and abattoirs or sewers.
More men should be encouraged to take on the traditional female roles such as receptionist, daycare worker, or dental hygienists.
London Ontario’s diversity officer or as I like to call her ” sergeant quota ” must look into the lack of diversity at the staff of mandarin restaurants.
Ontario is now considering combining both public schools and Catholic schools into one building with separate entrances.
Trees trees and more trees!If London just planted more trees all of our problems would go away.
Canada Day is the one day a year we stop celebrating everyone else’s culture and celebrate our own.
I could never commit suicide, I just wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt.
Seriously? McDonald’s has salads now? Why don’t they just call it a bag of germs?
My uncle from Mexico used to stare at people so we called him uncle Gilairmo!
I’ve been married to a nurse for almost 40 years now. Every time we hold hands she still checks my pulse.
Sitting at the back of the bus is all white with me.
I like country and western music, too bad I’m allergic to it.
Oh you say it’s natural! So is diarrhea.
Lily white Quakers live off the land and Canadian natives just live off the hand.
Mmmmmm McDonald’s, I’m shoving it.
Remember in public school when girls would whisper to each other it always sounded like “cheese and crackers, saltines and cheddar, biscuits and Triscuits.”
Westervelt of Westerville college is actually pronounced vestervelt or in German …… loser.
Since they banned the word monkey bars in playgrounds because they didn’t want the children using “monkey bars” as a racial slur, what are they going to ban next? Will they ban good words that sound like bad words? You know like vinegar? Will they bann the words fried chicken and watermelon next? How about banning the letters O and J and the name bill Cosby or the terms carjacking or looting?
The school board has banned the song Rudolph the red nose reindeer because it promoted bullying.
Going through a McDonald’s drive-through. Do you have anything that doesn’t leak, weep or drip or ooze or secrete anything that won’t leave an oil slick on my face?
Are you aware that this is national awareness month?
Relax I’m not a parole officer. So if you’re not supposed to be here your secrets safe with me.
I’m a real vegetarian, I only eat herbivores.
We are all special unique one-of-a-kind gloriously rare individuals. Just like everyone else!
Every 30 seconds another half minute is lost forever and it’s all your fault.
I found the notes from my very first stand up. Do you want to hear it? My very first standup started out with here ye here ye. How is that all of this twilight? Are there any brotherin from outside of our town walls perhaps? And what does that do my Fairmaiden to acquire one’s goods? Are there any butter churn or’s in the crowd?
Remember in the public school playground when the teacher would yell BOYS and everyone would freeze in their tracks. Why don’t the cops use a grade 4 teacher instead of a police siren?
Sometimes you got to go back, to actually move forward and I don’t mean to reminisce or chase old dreams, it’s about going back to see where you came from, where you have been, how you got here to see where you are going. I know there’s those who say you can’t go back, yes you can, you just have to know how to look in the right place.
I don’t want to say I’m paranoid but I’m sure everyone else around me is.
I did a tour of Nam! No not Vietnam, Putnam. Putnam Ontario.
The best part of growing up in London is that you will never get homesick.
Be aware of any awareness event that has the word awareness in it. They’re just out to get your money.
Ethnic yawning ?
Ban free speech?
For awareness run the run,walk the walk, drive the drive, ride the ride, March the March, take the pledge, take back the night, accept the challenge, take the challenge, where the ribbon for it’s your chance to give back.
I’m met a mad cow at my anger management class.
I had a headache but didn’t have any aspirin so I tried Midol? All I got was a nosebleed.
A dog a cat and a pig fight.
Puke, otherwise known as an unexpected re-examination of recent food choices.
Would you like cash back sir? I’d like my life back. Why do you think I’m buying this whiskey?
If I find out I was offended, you’re in big trouble?
Four is a four letter word, yeah I know, so is lame.
Is it black or African-American? Make up your mind.
Were aboriginal Italians called a wap a hose?
My barber said so how do you want your haircut. I said how about shorter?
I didn’t like my American relatives so I sent them a complete set of Robertson screwdriver’s.
And now our commercial sponsor. McPherson’s real, authentic, original Italian spaghetti sauce. Don’t except invitations.
My wife got her blood test back yesterday. It turns out she’s 1/2 aboriginal native. Or she likes to call herself now; $262.00 bucks a month.
Stubbing ones toe like a British, Quebecer, Jew, Muslim, Dutch, American, Canadian, Italian, German, conservative, liberal, Harper,.
Here are this year’s awareness events. The run for the runs for diarrhoea awareness, the 162 km run to raise awareness for those suffering from runners knee, help us find a cause or cure. The hatchet throwing event to raise awareness for lazy eye syndrome, the big beef barbeque for a burn victim awareness, sleep country’s 24 hour camp out for homeless awareness inside the London convention centre followed by a grand formal ball.
Before I retired I thought when I retire every day will be Friday. No, every day is freaking garbage day again.
Why is it only and always a room full of white people that make the stupidest decisions. And it’s usually from A high-pitched woman’s voice.
Was it a room full of black people that back in the 60s said black or white it doesn’t matter because we are all the same. No it was a room full of white people that said you black people are just like us white people. How was that supposed to be inclusive? What makes us all the same is the fact that we are all wonderfully different from each other just like everyone else.