Thursday , 17 August 2017
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White House Admits Trump Weighed In on Son’s Misleading Statement

White House Admits Trump Weighed In on Son’s Misleading Statement:  White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders admitted that President Trump “weighed in” on the misleading statement issued by his son, but denied that the President dictated his son’s statement.  Hell, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want Trump to own up to writing the statement, all you have to do is tell him it was “brilliantly written.”

 

NASA Hiring Planetary Protection Officer to Defend Earth from Aliens:  NASA is seeking to hire a full-time “planetary protection officer,” a job which pays $187,000 and will involve ensuring that humans in space do not contaminate planets and moons, as well as ensuring alien matter does not infect the Earth.  My question is, how would you measure job performance on a gig like that?  Anyway, I understand Randy Quaid is looking for a job.  Just hand him a lightsaber and set him loose.

 

Kanye West Sues Lloyd’s Over Canceled Tour Insurance:  Rapper Kanye West has filed a $10 million lawsuit against Lloyd’s of London, alleging that Lloyd’s is withholding paying out claims from the rapper’s canceled Saint Pablo tour which was abruptly ended after West began delivering bizarre rants about Jay-Z, Beyoncé and then-president-elect Donald Trump before finally checking into a UCLA psychiatric facility.  The way I look at it, Lloyd’s actually insured Kanye West?  Now you tell me who’s crazy.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Trump Says He Has Total Confidence in Jeff Sessions

Trump Says He Has Total Confidence in Jeff Sessions:  Amid reports that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had talks with Russia’s ambassador to the U.S. without disclosing it during his confirmation hearing, President Donald Trump said he wants to make it perfectly clear that he has “total confidence” in the Attorney General.  To further reinforce the point, an Administration spokesperson added that “not only does our President have the upmost confidence in Sessions, so does Russian President Vladimir Putin.”

 

NASA Considers Magnetic Shield to Help Mars Grow an Atmosphere:  NASA Planetary Science Division Director Jim Green says the agency is considering launching a magnetic shield towards Mars which could help warm the red planet and possibly allow it to become more habitable.  NASA says they believe the least costly way to accomplish this would most likely be to launch tens of thousands of refrigerators with magnets already attached to the doors in a massive rocket which would then robotically unload and set them upright on the surface of the red planet.  An added benefit would be notes could be attached under the magnets on the refrigerator doors which could provide future colonizers with useful and fun facts about the red planet once the planet became habitable again.

 

Caterpillar Headquarters Raided by the Feds:  Caterpillar has confirmed that Federal agents arrived at their global headquarters and began seizing documents and electronic records concerning its relationships with U.S. and non-U.S. subsidiaries.  Federal agents report no one at Caterpillar would talk to them during the raid prompting agents to ask “what’s the matter, Cat’s got your tongue?”  Anyway, its kind of sad to see this happen to such an iconic company so Deere to all of our hearts.

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The post Trump Says He Has Total Confidence in Jeff Sessions appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Famous Anti-Choking Doctor Henry Heimlich Dead at 96

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Famous Anti-Choking Doctor Henry Heimlich Dead at 96:  Dr. Henry J. Heimlich, the surgeon who developed and crusaded for the anti-choking technique that has been credited with saving an estimated 100,000 lives, has died in Cincinnati at age 96.  As might be expected, many of those 100,000 people he saved say the news of his death has them really choked-up.  Now, the question is – how many of them would be willing to cough-up a few bucks to help pay for the funeral.

 

Astronomers Discover Planet Made Largely of Diamond:  Scientists have discovered an alien planet named “55 Cancri E,” who’s mass is thought to be at least one third pure diamond.  In related news, the Kardashians announced they’ve decided to become astronauts.

 

Our Sun’s Twin Star May Have Eaten Two Planets:  Scientists say HIP68468, a twin star to our sun and about 300 light-years away, appears to have swallowed one or more of its planets.  Good grief, our sun’s twin ate two planets?  All I can say is, let’s hope our sun doesn’t decide to invite the twin over for Christmas dinner.

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The post Famous Anti-Choking Doctor Henry Heimlich Dead at 96 appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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Republican Asks NASA About Ancient Civilizations on Mars

Republican Asks NASA About Ancient Civilizations on Mars:  California Republican congressman Dana Rohrabacher, who is vice chairman of the Committee on Science, Space and Technology, asked members of a NASA panel this week if there had been ancient civilizations on Mars.  Congressman Rohrabacher, don’t you realize that its dumb questions like that which make all the aliens who live on the dark side of the moon wanna mock us out?

 

Coyotes Said to Be Moving Into Santa Monica:  Wildlife officials say coyotes have strayed from their usual comfort zone deep in the Santa Monica Mountains and have set up a new home near the city’s southern border around Ocean Park Boulevard and 25th Street.  Yea, well I wish them lots of luck trying to find any parking in that neighborhood.

 

Judge Halts Auction of Madonna’s Intimate Items:  The New York Times reports that a judge has halted an auction featuring 22 items previously belonging to singer Madonna, including a breakup letter from Tupac Shakur, a hairbrush which still contains some of the singer’s hair and a previously worn pair of her underwear – after the singer filed an emergency court order.  I don’t know about the other items, but I say its just wrong to try and sell Madonna’s old underwear.  Hell, something like that needs to be donated to science.

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The post Republican Asks NASA About Ancient Civilizations on Mars appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Trump Wants to Put Humans on Mars in Three Years

Trump Wants to Put Humans on Mars in Three Years:  Unsatisfied with Nasa’s current plans to get humans on the Red Planet sometime in the 2030s, President Trump announced he wants people on Mars by the end of his first term, in three-and-a-half years.  Wonder if Trump realizes that Mars is know as the “Red Planet,” not the “Orange Planet?”  The way things are going, Trump would spend billions of our tax dollars sending people to Mars and as soon as they land, the first thing they see is a Yuge statue of Kim Jong Un.

 

Elderly Man Spray Painting “No Kids” in Seniors-Only Community:  Police now suspect it was another elderly man who behind the spray painting of a 63-year-old Florida man’s car in a seniors-only gated community with the message “NO KIDS,” after the man babysitted his 4-year-old granddaughter a couple of times.  Every time I hear about people committing crimes like this – I can’t help but think “where are parents?”

 

Chocolate Consumption Linked to Nobel Prizes:  A new study has found that countries with the highest consumption of chocolate also have the most Nobel Prize winners.  I don’t buy it.  I mean, simple logic tells you that if there really was a relationship between chocolate consumption and the Nobel Prize, wouldn’t nearly all Nobel Prizes be awarded to women?

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The post Trump Wants to Put Humans on Mars in Three Years appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Billionaire Peter Thiel Funding Effort to Resurrect Woolly Mammoth

Billionaire Peter Thiel Funding Effort to Resurrect Woolly Mammoth:  Silicon Valley titan and Trump supporter Peter Thiel, has reportedly invested $100,000 in a project which hopes to bring the extinct mammoth back to life.  Makes sense.  After all, the Trump administration is trying to escort us all back to the Middle Ages, so why stop there?  May as well head right on back to the ice age while we’re at it.  Sharpen your stone tools and I’ll get a fire started in the cave.  Let’s make Pangaea great again!

 

Alan Jones Claims NASA Operating Child Slave Colony on Mars:  Just months after his tale about Hillary Clinton people running a child sex ring in the basement of a Washington, D.C. pizzeria sent a gunman there to shoot up the place, Republican alt-right conspiracy theorist Alan Jones is now busy peddling an even more outrageous theory about NASA operating a child slave colony on Mars.  On a positive note – at least on Mars, those poor children won’t have to listen to nut cases like Alex Jones rambling on and on about absolute nonsense anymore.

 

Start-Up Wants to Send Your Remains Into Space:  A start-up company says they will launch your cremated remains into low orbit which will circle the Earth for a few months before re-entry into the atmosphere and finally burn up in an awesome fireball, all for the low, low price of $1,990.  Sounds like the perfect ending for my life – spend my last two grand to end up as a cheap fireworks display over suburban Cincinnati.

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The post Billionaire Peter Thiel Funding Effort to Resurrect Woolly Mammoth appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Space Flight Found to Shrink Astronauts’ Brain Size

 

Space Flight Found to Shrink Astronauts’ Brain Size:  According to a University of Michigan study, analyzed scans of people who’d spent long periods of time in space found the volume of grey matter in their brains had actually decreased.  In fact, one astronaut who’d spent a prolonged period of time on the International Space Station, was found to have lost so much brain matter that when he returned to Earth, he tried to convince NASA that the Earth was flat, the Apollo moon landing was faked and the 2016 Cleveland Browns were the greatest football team of all-time.

 

News Corp Announces Big Changes for Wall Street Journal:  In an attempt to be more supportive of the new administration, Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp has decided to completely drop all business reporting in its Wall Street Journal in order to focus completely on the progress of President Trump’s beautiful new Mexican border wall – this dramatic move will include changing the paper’s historic name from the The Wall Street Journal to simply “The Wall Journal.”

 

Stores Pulling Nutella After Report Links It To Cancer:  Nutella, the popular hazelnut spread, is being removed from supermarket shelves around the world as a result of a report that suggested one of its main ingredients – palm oil – has been linked to cancer.  Makes sense to me!  I live in California where they have palm trees everywhere and there’s no question that some of the people living in California have cancer.

 

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The post Space Flight Found to Shrink Astronauts’ Brain Size appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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