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Sam Donaldson
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Good Friday Renamed Crap Friday

good friday

There is worldwide outrage among the Christian community following the head of the Church of England’s request that ‘Good Friday’ be renamed ‘Crap Friday’, claiming that this matches the events of the day more accurately.

Whatever religion you have faith in, or whatever country you are from, everybody knows the reason why we celebrate Good Friday, but just in case you have been living under a rock for years, let us explain. Jesus, the undisputed son of God, died on Good Friday, prior to him rising again on the following Monday. Christians named this Good Friday for years as they say Jesus died in their place and so they are now free to have a personal relationship with God because the price for all they will ever do wrong has already been paid.

The Church of England are not disputing that this was a noble act by Jesus, they are just saying that the fact he suffered on the cross makes it a pretty bad day overall. Some are saying they are missing the point entirely and should keep it the same. We wanted to gauge the reaction to this news, so we sent our reporters to visit people of different denominations and religious groups across the UK to find out what they think of the proposals.

A SpokesChristian from the Elim Pentecostal Church told us, “We are all for modernising Christianity but this is one thing that shouldn’t be changed. Good Friday is what Good Friday is and the Church of England should just jolly well leave it alone. Yes, we agree that it was probably a bit crap for Jesus himself, but for the millions of people worldwide who lived then, now and in the future, it was a good thing to do, therefore it should remain as ‘Good Friday’.”

Professor Clive Donaldson, leader of The National Atheist Alliance, explained their views, “I don’t know what they are talking about. What has Jesus got to do with bunnies and chocolate eggs anyway? As far as we are concerned, eating chocolate and fluffy baby rabbits can only be a good thing.”

Our reporter wanted to clarify part of the statement by Professor Donaldson by asking whether members of his organisation do celebrate Easter by eating chocolate, and why they eat fluffy baby rabbits. “I think you misunderstood, we don’t eat too much chocolate. But we do eat some – we don’t mind a bit of religion where food is involved.”

Ashraf Singh, Immam at a popular mosque in south-west Bedford, gave the Muslim opinion: “Having looked at this in depth, we have to side with the majority of Christians and say don’t change religious festivals. Before taking up Muslimism I went to look at several religions. The Church of England put me off Christianity as they sing old songs from musty old hymn books and have to repeat stuff a vicar says. At least in Muslimism you get to pray on a lovely carpet. I say keep it as Good Friday.”

The leader of the Church of England, the Very ArchedBishop of Canterbury gave this statement: “It’s about time people realised what Jesus went through. He suffered and then died on a cross. Murderers don’t even get treated like that. To call the day he died ‘Good Friday’ is blasphemous and wrong. I call on the government to change the public holiday to ‘Crap Friday’ so people can get an idea of the gravity of this situation.”

It hasn’t changed for this year, however there will be a debate over the coming months to see if a compromise can be reached in time for next year’s Easter celebrations.

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EU Force the French to Speak Properly

french man

A landmark vote in the European Parliament has said that the French must begin to make the transition to what is classed as ‘Discernible Speech’. For centuries the French have had a distinctive accent which has seemingly annoyed other nations, from next Friday all French speakers will have to make changes to make their language coherent.

MEPs from all 28 member countries voted in this bill, 27 of these countries agreed that they cannot tolerate listening to the French accent any longer. The vote was preceded by speeches by leaders of several countries, including David Cameron from the UK, Angela Merkel of Germany and Mariano Rajoy of Spain. Angela Merkel told delegates, “Ve can no longer tolerate the constant noise, sounding like ze French are talking with blocked noses.”

David Cameron informed the attentive group of MEPs, “Surely it is time for everyone to come together and be strong against the French. For too long we have had to listen to ‘Fla blu fa blur la blu’ or something like that.” Mariano Rajoy said, “The people of France are in the false belief that their accent is sexy, this is obviously not true when compared to the Latin undertones of the Spaniards and Italians. Who wants to be chatted up by someone that sounds like they need an adenoid operation?”

Jean-Marc Ayrault was non-plussed with the outcome of this vote, he told MEPs, “I am not very appy, to be appy this vote should not ave taken place. We ave spoken like this for many years now, flo blah fi bloh fe ba.”

The Daily Skid spoke with Anti-French campaigner Colin Bonaparte (no relation), who had this to say about the decision, “It’s about time, I mean they walk around eating frogs legs, snails and other such excuses for food and expect to be taken seriously. They say things like ‘Bonjour’, which apparently means ‘Hello’, but it sounds nothing like hello, how did they ever get from hello to bonjour? It’s pathetic. Also they have copied the Welsh with their long drawn out words, how did they think we’d not see through their stupidity when they call a ‘Police Station’ a ‘Commissariat de Police’? I mean come on, get real here. I’m so glad the European Government have at last done something right.”

He added, “They are a pointless set of people anyway, let’s face it, most of their famous people have black and white photos, showing how long it is since they’ve had anyone worthwhile. You tell me the name of a famous French person?”

We managed to track down one living famous French person, 64-year-old actor Gérard Xavier Marcel Depardieu. Depardieu told us, “I will nevoor change my acc sent. The people, they do not know what they say. I repel them. Au Revoir. Imbécile.”

A French high school teacher in the United Kingdom was concerned about her job (she did not want to be identified for her own protection), “If I can’t use the beautiful French accent anymore what use will I be? When I go to France with the children I find it helps to use English words with a French accent, they seem to understand that better than when we shout at them. This is a ridiculous law and needs to be reversed very quickly.” Teachers around the globe have rallied with Mrs Donaldson from Horwich. Mrs Jackson from Jacksonville High School in Jacksonville, United States told The Daily Skid, “We fully support Mrs Donaldson in her quest for a peaceful outcome to this. We will join her campaign at her house in Queen Street, Horwich, next week.”

This ruling will come into force next Friday and some will be breathing a huge sigh of relief as they no longer have to listen to the somewhat unique but awful French accent. Others will not know where to turn so a hotline has been set up for any distressed French people, the number is zero huit zero zero cinq neuf neuf trios sept neuf (lines open between 08:04 and 08:05 on Mardi and Samedi).

For more examples of how silly French is, click here for some of our videos

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European Union Tell French to Speak Properly

french man

Ssssshhhhhh!

A landmark vote in the European Parliament has said that the French must begin to make the transition to what is classed as ‘Discernible Speech’. For centuries the French have had a distinctive accent which has seemingly annoyed other nations, from 2016 all French speakers will have to make changes to make their language coherent.

MEP’s from all 28 member countries voted in this bill, 27 of these countries agreed that they cannot tolerate listening to the French accent any longer. The vote was preceded by speeches by leaders of several countries, including David Cameron from the UK, Angela Merkel of Germany and Mariano Rajoy of Spain. Angela Merkel told delegates, “Ve can no longer tolerate the constant noise, sounding like ze French are talking with blocked noses.” David Cameron informed the attentive group of MEP’s that, “Surely it is time for everyone to come together and be strong against the French. For too long we have had to listen to ‘Fla blu fa blur la blu’ or something like that.” Mariano Rajoy said, “The people of France are in the false belief that their accent is sexy, this is obviously not true when compared to the Latin undertones of the Spaniards and Italians. Who wants to be chatted up by someone that sounds like they need an adenoid operation?”

Jean-Marc Ayrault was non-plussed with the outcome of this vote, he told MEP’s, “I am not very appy, to be appy this vote should not ave taken place. We ave spoken like this for many years now, flo blah fi bloh fe ba.”

NewsBeat spoke with Anti-French campaigner, Colin Bonaparte (no relation), who had this to say about the decision, “It’s about time, I mean they walk around eating frogs legs, snails and other such excuses for food and expect to be taken seriously. They say things like ‘Bonjour’, which apparently means ‘Hello’, but it sounds nothing like hello, how did they ever get from hello to bonjour? It’s pathetic. Also they have copied the Welsh with their long drawn out words, how did they think we’d not see through their stupidity when they call a ‘Police Station’ a ‘Commissariat de Police’? I mean come on, get real here. I’m so glad the European Government have at last done something right.” He added, “They are a pointless set of people anyway, let’s face it, most of their famous people have black and white photos, showing how long it is since they’ve had anyone worthwhile. You tell me the name of a famous French person?”

We managed to track down one living famous French person, 64 year old actor Gérard Xavier Marcel Depardieu. Depardieu told us, “I will nevoor change my acc sent, the people, they do not know what they say. I repel them. Au Revoir. Imbécile.”

A French high school teacher in the United Kingdom was concerned about her job (she did not want to be identified for her own protection), “If I can’t use the beautiful French accent anymore what use will I be? When I go to France with the children I find it helps to use English words with a French accent, they seem to understand that better than when we shout at them. This is a ridiculous law and needs to be reversed very quickly.” Teachers around the globe have rallied with Mrs Donaldson from Horwich. Mrs Jackson from Jacksonville High School in Jacksonville, United States told NewsBeat, “We fully support Mrs Donaldson in her quest for a peaceful outcome to this. We will join her campaign at her house in Queen Street, Horwich, next week.”

This ruling will come into force next Friday and some will be breathing a huge sigh of relief as they no longer have to listen to the somewhat unique but awful French accent. Others will not know where to turn so a hotline has been set up for any distressed French people, the number is zero huit zero zero cinq neuf neuf trios sept neuf (lines open between 08:04 and 08:05 on Mardi and Samedi.

A short video showing the French Language in full force.

Read More
Phil Woods

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