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Human-Bat Experiment Goes Wrong – Public Warned of Danger

Vampire Bat

Today we have a change in direction from our normal story. Whenever we write a story for The Daily Skid we do research to ensure that it is not true, something most satire writers do. Last week while preparing for a story, our investigations led us to a somewhat frightening discovery. Today we can exclusively reveal those findings in our first ever true story on The Daily Skid.

We intended to write a story that would combine the scientific world and the world of science fiction, a story that would insinuate that the age-old myth about vampires was actually true. Of course, everyone knows that they are confined to the world of movies and television, so we assumed we would be safe and not find any truth in our research. Little did we suspect what we were about to uncover. So in place of our normal satire story today, these are the shocking findings by our research team.

In 2005 it was announced that a team of scientists from Newcastle University had managed to clone a human embryo (see story – click here), with the aim of helping to fight human diseases. In January 2014 the same team joined with a number of top South Korean scientists to look at how to resolve severe hearing problems in humans. They decided to attempt to extract some DNA from a bat, in the knowledge that bats have exceptional hearing. Having managed to extract the DNA via the bats’ blood they then injected this into ten subjects (paid under a health testing scheme), with the intention of seeing if their hearing would improve. All ten subjects had differing levels of hearing difficulty, from the need for grommets to complete deafness. The experiment seemingly went well in the first week, with some improvements to hearing. This gave the scientists great hope and belief so they injected the subjects with a little more bat DNA to speed up the healing. This is when problems started to occur.

The bat used was a ‘Desmodus Rotundus’, otherwise known as a ‘Vampire Bat’. No-one in the scientific team suspected that this would cause a problem, however they were wrong. On the tenth day some of the people injected began to be affected by sunlight and would try to sleep during the day; others became weak, showing symptoms described as similar to that of an alcoholic going ‘cold turkey’. On the fourteenth day, two members of the scientific team were in the secure ward at the university and were attacked by one of the human subjects; they were found with teeth marks on their wrists. These teeth marks were consistent with larger-than-average canine teeth, however none of the subjects had teeth to match. It was decided that they would have to keep the subjects under lock and key to be monitored until a resolution could be found. The only issue was, one subject had disappeared the previous night. After hours of searching by university security and the police, the man could not be found and unfortunately there was no sign of him on CCTV.

Following observation it was found that half of those injected had reacted badly to the experiment. These five men would occasionally get aggressive and show expanded canine teeth that would soon disappear. Unfortunately, all five men died in the following days. There is one problem though: one man managed to get out and is now at large. There have been 26 murders in the last two weeks across Britain that match the death of the scientists at the university. Police are now eager to catch this man before he attacks again.

We would advise everyone to be on their guard and to not go out at night. Do not invite strangers into your house and do not speak to strangers.

Experts have stressed that this is not a supernatural occurrence. It is, however, an experiment that has clearly gone horribly wrong. Take care out there, and report anything suspicious.

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Phil Woods

Phil Woods

Funny is not THE word.......it's A word
Connahs Quay

White House Claims Miscommunication on Aircraft Carrier’s Location

White House Claims Miscommunication on Aircraft Carrier’s Location:  A senior Administration official says a miscommunication with the Pentagon and the Trump Defense Department was responsible for President Trump falsely claiming on Fox News that he was sending “a very powerful naval armada” to the Korean Peninsula, when those ships were actually on their way to military exercises out in the Indian Ocean, some 3,500 miles in the opposite direction.

 

Interesting military strategy, provoking a hostile country with forces that are actually somewhere else!  Talk about a tactical genius!  I mean, so what if we lost track of an aircraft carrier and four warships for a while, or that the entire Defense Department along with the Secretary of Defense “Mad Dog” Mattis had no frigg’n clue as to where our ships were.  What’s the big deal?

 

Instead of thinking negative things like “what could possibly go wrong?” – we should be thinking positive and asking “what could possibly go right?”  Think of it this way, if we have no idea what the hell we’re doing, how is the enemy supposed to figure it out?  I mean, hell – sometimes when I am playing video games like Civilization 6, I lose my aircraft carriers too – it happens.  Besides, what does any of this have to do with Benghazi or the Susan Rice unmasking scandal?

 

And to be completely fair, Trump only recently learned that the world is round.  He probably just assumed we could quickly have those vessels circle the globe and end up right back in the Korean Peninsula in no time at all.  Also, we did have Vice President Mike Pence in South Korea at the time, staring down the North Koreans from just over the border.  That is, until the North Koreans paraded out a bunch North Korean women – forcing Pence to have to leave immediately because his wife was back in the US.

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The post White House Claims Miscommunication on Aircraft Carrier’s Location appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Napoleon’s Two-Pointed Hat Draws $2.2 million at Auction

Napoleon's HatNapoleon’s Two-Pointed Hat Draws $2.2 million at Auction:  One of Napoleon’s famous two-pointed hats was sold to a South Korean collector for nearly 1.9 million euros ($2.2 million) at an auction outside Paris.  Its a nice hat and all, but you’d think for that kind of money, at least they could include a little propellor on the top.

 

KnifeNew Mexico Math Teacher Pulls Knife on Student:  Police say a New Mexico middle school teacher is facing charges that allege he threatened a student with a knife for talking during a pop quiz.  Wow, and to think we used to worry about getting paddled.  In the teachers defense, perhaps he just pulled the knife to make a “point.”  As for the teacher, I think we can safely assume that he is in procession of the requisite skills to survive in prison.

 

New Jersey DinosaursPaleontologists Find Prehistoric Fossils behind New Jersey Shopping Mall:  Paleontologists are excavating a fossil site full of fossils that died around the same time-frame that the dinosaurs were wiped out, which could they believe might unlock a treasure-trove of insights into the disappearance of the dinosaurs – and its all directly behind a New Jersey strip mall.  So, if I’m understanding this correctly, the real story here is that scientists believe it was strip malls that killed off the dinosaurs?

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The post Napoleon’s Two-Pointed Hat Draws $2.2 million at Auction appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

North Korea Appears to Have Conducted a Nuclear Test

North Korea Appears to Have Conducted a Nuclear Test:  The U.S Geological Survey said it has recorded a 5.6 magnitude earthquake in North Korea from an area known as a nuclear test site, which South Korean authorities say appears to be artificial – consistent with a nuclear test.  Military experts say this was clearly either a nuclear test, or North Korean leader Kim Jong un has finally taken a long-anticipated bowel movement.

 

Trump Walks Back Donating Personal Money for Harvey Relief:  Earlier this week, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters that President Trump would donate $1 million of his “personal money” to Hurricane Harvey victims, but now its beginning to look like the money will actually come from the coffers of the Trump Foundation.  Wow, if the money comes from the Trump Foundation, isn’t that like saying we’re giving money to the Hurricane Harvey relief fund and the Russians are gonna pay for it?

 

Radio Signals Detected from Galaxy 3Bn Light Years Away:  Astronomers say they have detected 15 powerful, repeated radio pulses coming from a mysterious dwarf galaxy 3 billion light years away from Earth which scientists say could be emanating from black holes, neutron stars or possibly even aliens.  Good grief, now that we’ve been contacted by a “Dwarf Galaxy,” next thing you know we’ll be getting signals from a galaxy populated with nothing but basketball players.  When you think of it like that, the possibilities seem endless.

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The post North Korea Appears to Have Conducted a Nuclear Test appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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North Korea Accuses CIA of Biochemical Plot to Kill Kim Jong-un

North Korea Accuses CIA of Biochemical Plot to Kill Kim Jong-un:  North Korea is accusing the CIA  and South Korea of attempting to assassinate Kim Jong-un with unspecified biochemical substances during a public ceremonial event in the capital of Pyongyang.  Hell, no need to send someone to assassinate Kim.  Just book him on a United flight.

 

Study Finds Botox Could Help Treat Depression:  A California study found those who used the anti-wrinkle agent Botox had lower rates of depression.  One thing’s for sure, you’re never gonna be able to tell if they’re depressed by the expression on their face.

 

Music Teacher Caught Selling Tubas for Heroin:  A Nunda, N.Y. music teacher pulled over by police with a tuba in her backseat admitted to stealing more than 50 instruments from her school district and selling them to buy heroin.  Wow, this woman’s life has gone right down the tubas.  Now, she’ll have to face the music.

 

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The post North Korea Accuses CIA of Biochemical Plot to Kill Kim Jong-un appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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CBO Says TrumpCare Means 24 Million More With No Healthcare

CBO Says TrumpCare Means 24 Million More With No Healthcare:  The Congressional Budget Office has determined that the new House Republican proposal to rewrite federal healthcare law would throw 24 million people off of health insurance, raise premiums for older, low-income Americans, while at the same time [providing] $285 billion in tax breaks for the top two percent.  Yea, but the important thing to remember is that each of those 24 million people will now be free to choose whichever plan they can’t afford.  Which made me think, does anyone remember back when Republicans actually cared about the poor and middle class?  Neither do I.

 

US Reportedly Planning Decapitation Attack Against Kim Jong-un:  Its being reported in a South Korean publication that US Navy’s SEAL Team 6 is helping to plan a “decapitation attack” aimed at taking out Kim Jong-un and much of North Korea’s political leadership.  Sounds like a really great idea!  And I’m sure the Chinese will be right on board with that one.  I mean hell, it’s only been about a hundred years since Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated.  That ended pretty well.

 

Kellyanne Conway Warns of Microwave Spying:  In a recent interview, Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway suggested that U.S. intelligence agents often spy on Americans using typical household appliances such as microwaves that can also be used as cameras.  Personally, I’m not all that concerned about my microwave, but I am becoming a little suspicious about my George Foreman Grill.

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The post CBO Says TrumpCare Means 24 Million More With No Healthcare appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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