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Midget, Dwarf & Gnome Classified as Offensive by EU Court


For years people have been using slang names to describe the vertically challenged, but now under a new EU ruling these names are to become illegal. No longer will you be able to refer to people under the height of three feet as midgets, dwarves, tiny or any other name that is considered derogatory.

EU leaders voted unanimously for this new legislation to take effect immediately. There had been a lot of pressure put on MEPs by those suffering from Achondroplasia, especially those from a group known as SPAS (Short People Against Shortism). They cited mental health as the main reason for requesting this law, as they were completely disheartened by some of the name-calling they witnessed. The EU parliament has said that this law will deal with heightism in the same way it deals with racism: it will not be tolerated and will be dealt with by the harshest penalties.

Martin Schulz, President of the European Union, explained the law in more detail, “If anyone decides to abuse someone with height difficulties, they need to be punished. It’s not funny, it’s not big and it’s not clever. We have a duty to protect our citizens and we will do so with this new rule. We will be asking courts to hand out the most severe sentences to people who say such hurtful things. At the same time we will be keeping an eye open to ensure that the law isn’t taken advantage of, as we don’t want it to be used as an excuse for prosecution. We have also sat down with SPAS (at least we think they were sat down) to discuss a suitable name by which they can be referred. Gone are the days where we can openly call them gnomes, shorty, munchkins, pip-squeaks, umpa lumpas and squirts. From now on anyone under three feet should be labeled ‘Elves’.”

Spokes-elf for SPAS, actor Warwick Davis, told The Daily Skid, “It was about time they did something. I am sick of people ridiculing me and my fellow elves. It isn’t our fault we are short, we were born this way.” We reminded him that he wasn’t in fact born three feet tall. “I know that, it’s just a phrase or saying. We were born with the affliction. I am sick of people pinning me down in the street and painting my face orange to look like an umpa lumpa. I get annoyed when people assume I have to get my clothes made by a special tailor. I know I do, but that’s not the point. People often ask me if I get my clothes off dolls or from Mothercare, that is just offensive. I can’t wait to be referred to as an elf in future. It’ll stop that Ricky Gervais bloke from taking the mickey too.”

Actor and activist Johnny Hite was none too happy with the new ruling. “How am I supposed to take them seriously? How can I possibly not look at them and laugh. Yesterday I spent four hours in constant laughter when I saw a midget in the street. He had little shoes and a little hat, he even had little Spongebob sunglasses, it was hilarious. They also have those weird hands sometimes and they walk funny too. Come on, please, we are not trying to be offensive, it’s just jolly good fun”, said the four-eyed weasel-featured old codger.

This new law has certainly started a mixed feeling among people. The Daily Skid is against any form of prejudice and hope that our readers are too. I would ask politely that you don’t laugh at this article at all. Please be more supportive of elves, have a heart and respect the new law.

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