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NASA Discover Alien Communication via Twitter

alienbird

NASA announced last night that after decades of searching for extra-terrestrial life among the stars, they have finally found that aliens have been communicating directly with the people of earth, using the popular social networking portal Twitter. The discovery finally proves, without a doubt, the existence of life on other planets.

Boffins at NASA and Jodrell Bank Radio Telescope have been listening for messages coming from millions of light years away, and were shocked to find the answer to ‘Is there life on other planets’ so close to home. There is now undeniable proof that life forms (believed to be from the Andromeda galaxy) have been posing as celebrities on the micro-blogging platform for a number of years. Today, The Daily Skid exclusively brings you the full amazing story.

Professor Sarah Bridle, expert in Universe Expansion at Jodrell Bank in Cheshire explained, “We’ve discovered after all these years that aliens have in fact been communicating with us. We are surprised that they chose Twitter as a platform, but being that it’s the world’s most popular electronic form of communication, perhaps it was an obvious choice. After analysing the data contained in billions of tweets, we discovered that the accounts of Ricky Gervais, Stephen Fry, Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga aren’t actually written by the celebrities themselves. We can prove without a doubt that all four have been sent via radio signal from within the Andromeda Galaxy.”

Planetary Scientist, Karly Pitman from NASA expanded on the story: “We can show that this has been occurring for a long time now. Let’s look at some evidence. First we look at a picture tweeted supposedly by Ricky Gervais. This photo is clearly of an alien trying to imitate the famous British comedian, however something went very wrong.”

ricky

She continued, “Then we take a look at a tweet sent in error apparently by pop princess, Lady Gaga. It’s obvious that the aliens forgot people on earth would see this and very nearly gave the game away.

Screen Shot 2014-01-23 at 12.25.23

Justin Bieber confused everyone at NASA for a very long time, his tweets always seeming somehow other worldly, but the proof finally arrived with this tweet where he assumed his birthday was worth something and could be given away. Only an alien without earthly knowledge would do this.

justin-bieber-charity-water-tweet

Finally we come to one of the most popular tweeters in history, Mr Stephen Fry. We were obviously saddened to find that his Twitter account is run by an alien, however the proof was evident in this tweet when he struggled to get the hang of earthly expletives;

stephen fry

So you can see where our extensive research has led us. There is no doubt that aliens exist and that they are among us. Our advice is to be careful who you speak to on Twitter; it can be a dangerous game.”

Dr David Clarke, leading light on UFOs and aliens, told us, “I always suspected that this may be the case. You have to be wary now, as reading the tweets on these accounts could lead to ‘mind-probing’, a complex way for other worldly intelligence to turn people into imbeciles. I have studied this for a long time and can say, without a doubt, that the aliens are using this as a way to attack the earth. They will make everyone’s mind go numb and then send their spaceships to earth to attack us all. Governments should come clean about this, they’ve known for years.”

Presenter of BBC’s Stargazing Live, Dara O’Briain, was amazed at the news: “Every year we spend three whole days trying to find intelligent life, and more often than not we can’t find any. Brian (Ed – Professor Brian Cox) and I are excited about this find, we always had our suspicions and at last we need look no more. The great thing from my point of view is that these aliens seem to be humorous, great news for the expansion of comedy.”

Barack Obama refused to allow anyone in his government to comment on this story. David Cameron told the press that he’d never heard of Twitter and that aliens don’t exist.

The Daily Skid has employed several analysts to study Twitter activity for the next 30 days. If we find any suspicious activity we will report back immediately. For now, be careful, you don’t know who’s really writing those tweets. To help us in our studies, if you see any strange tweets from celebrities please retweet them adding the hashtag #alienTDS

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Canadian Ice Hockey Team Withdraws from Winter Olympics

OLYMPICS-ICEHOCKEY/

The world famous Canadian Ice Hockey National team (Men’s) have withdrawn from the upcoming Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia. The Canadian Olympic Committee have told the world’s media that this is in protest against the Russian government’s ‘Anti-Gay Movement’.

In the years leading up to the next Winter Olympics, people all over the world have been concerned at the Russian government’s apparent ‘Gay Bashing’. Never before in the history of the Olympics has there been such a close scrutiny of a host country’s political beliefs, but this year it is different. High-profile public figures have spoken out against the homophobic Russian policy, including actor and writer Stephen Fry and America’s favourite comedian Barack Obama.

Canadian Ice Hockey head coach Mike Babcock explained, “By doing this we are standing up to a very strict and prejudiced regime in Russia. Despite the rumours, we are not doing this because every member of the team is homosexual, that is simply not the case. We are doing this to prove a point. You shouldn’t be able to get away with saying such horrid things against queers, they are human too and have feelings. We know that we are not the only country to take a stance, we believe that the USA Ice Hockey team is considering wearing rainbow spandex as their kit.”

Vladimir Putin defended his country’s policy, “We are not saying people cannot be gay, we just don’t want to hear about it. Nobody complained in 1936 when both the Summer and Winter Olympics were held in Nazi Germany. Are people trying to say we are worse than that lot. Besides, it is well known that I once had a gay experience myself. I mean, come on, have you seen how hunky my foreign secretary Sergey Lavrov is? Who could resist, even his name has a gay ring to it.”

President of the IOC, Thomas Bach, commented, “All this fuss over a bit of pansy whacking (Ed – German dialect, who are we to comment) is nonsense. People should uplift the Olympic spirit, cuddle and make up. We can’t change what a country believes so we must embrace every culture like it is our own. For a few weeks please just forget all you read and hear, instead concentrate on enjoying the sport. If the Canadians want to be big babies aboot this, then perhaps we are better off without them.”

In response to a request by the Russian government he continued, “We have also decided not to uphold the Russian government’s request that competitors be banned from wearing tight-fitting clothes.”

Canada were due to play Norway in the Preliminary Round on 13th February. This match will now be awarded to the Norwegian team unless the Haitian Olympic Federation can raise a team to replace Canada in time for the first game. There are concerns in some quarters at the lack of ice in Haiti, and slight concerns over the fact that they have only ever had one ice hockey player (information on Haiti’s ice hockey pedigree here).

A spokesman for the Hatian Olympic Federation told The Daily Skid, “We have an ice hockey pedigree Aruba can only dream of. I am sure we can raise a team.”

Idea inspired by our friend at Deeside.com

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