Friday , 23 June 2017
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Gunman Kidnaps Family and Forces Them to Shop at Target

Gunman Kidnaps Family and Forces Them to Shop at Target:  A North Carolina man has been arrested for kidnapping a family and then forcing them to go shopping with him at Target.  Good grief, I realize these big box stores are getting desperate for customers, but kidnapping a family by gunpoint and forcing them to shop at Target has to be about the worst marketing strategy ever.

 

Tick-Borne Diseases on the Rise in the US:  According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), ticks and dangerous tick-borne illnesses are on the rise all over the US.  The CDC warns the situation has become so widespread that in some areas, even the tick-tock of grandfather clocks has become affected.

 

New Evidence of Cat Domestication Found in China:  Archaeologists in China have unearthed the first clear evidence of cats living among humans as semi-domesticated mousers about 5300 years ago.  Scientists say they hope to one day use this data to reconstruct what life must have been like for cats before they came to prominence on YouTube and Facebook.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Facebook to Add 3,000 Moderators in Wake of Murders

Facebook to Add 3,000 Moderators in Wake of Murders:  Following outrage over recent broadcasts of murders, shootings, rapes and assaults – streamed live on Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg announced that the social network will add 3000 additional people to monitor the situation more closely.  Excuse my skepticism, but this just sounds like the murders and assaults are now have 3000 more viewers.

 

Epilepsy Drug Helps Addicts Kick Cocaine Habit:  A new study reports that an epilepsy drug is helping addicts kick the cocaine habit.  Wow, this sounds like a new take on “kicking the habit.”

 

Bieber Ringtone Saves Russian Fisherman From Bear Attack:  A 42-year-old Russian fisherman says he was attacked from behind by a brown bear and that the only thing that saved him was his ringtone of Justin Bieber’s hit song “Baby” suddenly went off, startling the bear and causing it to run away.  There you have it, conclusive proof the Bieber’s music is simply “unbearable.”

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The post Facebook to Add 3,000 Moderators in Wake of Murders appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Woman’s Headache Caused By Live Cockroach in Her Skull

Woman’s Headache Caused By Live Cockroach in Her Skull:  A 42-year-old woman in Chennai, India woke up one night with labored breathing, itching and a severe headache and checked into the Ear, Nose, Throat Department at Stanley Medical College only to discover that a 1-inch long cockroach had penetrated her skull.  Realizing the seriousness of the situation, doctors put their medical training right to work and pasted a “Roach Motel” to her forehead.

 

Ford Bets $1 Billion on Self-Driving Car:  Ford is betting $1 billion on the world’s self-driving car future through a majority investment in a small start-up company called Argo AI as it tries to win the high-stakes talent war in the emerging self-driving car industry.  Makes sense!  Hell, when no one wants to buy your cars, you may as well focus on self-driving cars.

 

Ikea Under Fire for Treatment of Workers:  Workers at Ikea’s US plant are criticizing the company for racial bias, an anti-union stance, forced overtime and paying extremely low wages.  Gee, sounds like Ikea is even cheaper than the furniture they sell.

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The post Woman’s Headache Caused By Live Cockroach in Her Skull appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

World’s Oldest Fossils Found in Greenland

Greenland FossilsWorld’s Oldest Fossils Found in Greenland:  Geologists in Greenland have discovered what they believe are the oldest physical evidence for life on Earth in rocks that formed 3.7 billion years ago.  So if I understand this correctly, the next time some smart-ass native Californian asks me where I’m from originally, I should tell them Greenland?

 

Dirty Old MenNew Data Shows Sperm Quality Suffers After Age 35:  According to researchers at Reproductive Technology Laboratories in Los Angeles who analyzed sperm from men between the ages of 16 and 72, sperm quality significantly begins to decrease after 35, making it significantly more difficult to conceive.  So if you’re a beautiful young women concerned about birth control and unwanted pregnancy, my advice is to only having sex with dirty old men.

 

Sexy TeacherCalifornia Teacher Accused of Having Sex With Student:  A 32-year-old woman who is being described as an “exemplary teacher” has pleaded not guilty to charges that she had a sexual relationship with a male student at the school where she was teaching.  Hell, the situation is becoming so prevalent that young guys are thinking why bother paying for a hooker, just sign-up for a class.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California
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Wisconsin Policeman Had Sex on the Job 98 Times

Cop ResignsWisconsin Policeman Had Sex on the Job 98 Times: A Wisconsin police officer has resigned following an internal investigation that showed he had sex 98 times while on duty, a violation of numerous department polices and procedures. Wow, if you get pulled over by this guy, you know you’re screwed. I guess its not too surprising though considering the sign on the side of their police cars says “to protect and service.” Being a huge law enforcement advocate, Gov Scott Walker initially wasn’t sure what position to take on this, but eventually decided on the missionary position.

 

Fat SoldierSome Soldiers Turning to Lipo to Pass Military Fat Test:  According to the AP, some members of the military are turning to liposuction as a quick fix to pass the military’s “fat test,” which can affect promotions and career prospects for years to come.  Well, guess that’s one way to reduce the size of the military.

 

Honey BeeMystery Illness Wiping Out Honey Bees:  Researchers report  that a mysterious malady which kills honeybees, has drastically expanded this year, wiping out as much as 40 to 50 percent of the hives needed to pollinate America’s fruits and vegetables.  The situation has become so critical, scientists have begun asking hairstylists to consider bringing back beehive hairdos, just to take up some of the slack.

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The post Wisconsin Policeman Had Sex on the Job 98 Times appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Bread Truck and Deli Meat Truck Collide in New Jersey

Trucks CollideBread Truck and Deli Meat Truck Collide in New Jersey:  A truck hauling hundreds of packets of deli meat has collided with a tractor-trailer carrying bread on a New Jersey highway in the early morning hours.

 

When I first saw this story, I thought “what a bunch of baloney,” but then I saw video of helicopters dousing the area with ketchup and mustard and realized it must be true.  Who said there’s no free lunch?  Police were working hard to see if anyone was sandwiched between the two trucks, but then they broke for lunch.

 

Paramedics say the injured will most likely be airlifted to the Mayo clinic. Traffic was snarled so badly, it may be difficult for commuters to ever ketchup.  Seemed like everything was in a pickle.  I wouldn’t relish driving in traffic like that.

 

When asked to honestly access the situation, authorities said “lettuce just say this is a very serious accident.”  Not pretty picture, no matter how you slice it.  This where the rubber meats the road.

 

Anyway, I’d better stop here before I completely butcher this joke, otherwise, this could very well end up being the wurst joke I’ve ever written.

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The post Bread Truck and Deli Meat Truck Collide in New Jersey appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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Shy Bladder Group Protests DirecTV Ad

Shy BladderShy Bladder Group Protests DirecTV Ad:  Angry members of a shy bladder sufferers group are trying to force DirecTV to stop airing a TV ad where a “painfully awkward” actor Rob Lowe complains that he has difficultly urinating in public.  There’s actually a shy bladder group?  Good grief, the line for the restroom at their meetings must be totally insane!

 

Couple Weight LossDetroit Couple Marry After Losing 380 Pounds:  A Detroit-area couple who met in a support group for weight loss surgery patients exchanged wedding vows after they lost a collective 380 pounds. This is in direct contrast to the UK, where most of the “pounds” are typically lost when the couple gets divorced!

 

Chimmney RescueWoman Rescued from Chimney of Man She Met Online:  A woman intruder had to be rescued by fire crews from the chimney of a Thousand Oaks, Ca man she had met and dated a few times through an online dating site.  Guess she was just “swept away” by this guy.  Maybe she hoped he would help her out if she ever found herself in a real tight spot.  Neighbors say they first became aware of the situation when they heard a woman singing “Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-ee.”

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The post Shy Bladder Group Protests DirecTV Ad appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

Killer Shrimp Could Invade the Great Lakes

Killer ShrimKiller Shrimp Could Invade the Great Lakes:  Biologists are asking the people in the Great Lakes area to be on the alert for an invasive species of Killer Shrimp – a creature that indiscriminately slays other animals without eating them – thought to be on the move toward the Great Lakes.  Gee, I could have sworn I saw some Jumbo Shrimp heading north on Interstate 95, but I didn’t say anything because they looked unarmed.  Local officials say the situation could become serious considering there is a major shortage of cocktail sauce in the region.

 

Indian WomanIndian Woman Has Twins After Learning She’s Mostly Male:  A 32-year-old Indian woman has given birth to healthy twins shortly after learning she has a rare intersex condition in which her physical appearance is that of a woman, but she has more than 95 percent XY (male) chromosomes.  All I can say is, good thing she lives in India, things could get really confusing if she ever dated Bruce Jenner.

 

Denny's FraudMan Arrested After Cooking His Own Burger at Denny’s:  A well-dressed, 52-year-old man told employees that he was the new manager of a Denny’s restaurant in Wisconsin – then proceeded to cook himself a cheeseburger and fries – is now facing charges after employees called the police.  Employees say they immediately knew the man was a fraud because cooking a burger himself is why more work than any real Denny’s manager would ever do.

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The post Killer Shrimp Could Invade the Great Lakes appeared first on Rubbish In, Robish Out!.

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Johnny Robish

Johnny Robish

Guns Don't Kill, Postal Workers Do!
Malibu, California

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