Slug Mucus Glue That Stops Internal Bleeding Created:  Scientists say a sticky slug mucus has been used to create a glue that can stop internal bleeding by binding biological tissues together – even if they are wet.  So let me get this straight, you’re bleeding internally because you’ve taken a slug from a 45 caliber revolver, and then you’re saved because you’ve taken another slug and used its mucus to stop the bleeding?  Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe its about time for a slug of Jack Daniels.

Hannity Denies Spending $42,000 on Lobster at Trump Restaurant:  Conservative Trump booster Sean Hannity is denying a report leaked by a waiter that he blew $42,000 at a Trump restaurant on a 70-year-old lobster which they had flown in from Maine for his dinner.  Anyway, now that that issue has been resolved, time to get back to ranting about all the out-of-touch, Prius-driving, latte-sipping, liberal elites ruining this country.

Trump’s New Communications Director Claims Earth is 5,500 Years Old:  In a 2016 CNN interview, President Trump’s controversial new While House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said he believes climate science is unverified and the Earth is only 5,500 years-old.  I think he may be confusing that date with the era the administration would like to take us back to.

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