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Pork Reclassified as a Vegetable

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In a staggering announcement today, the World Organisation for Oral Food Standards (WOOFS) has reclassified pork as a vegetable. The Daily Skid has discovered that this is part of an equality bill aimed at the world’s religions.

Ever since the discovery of pigs back in 1974, the meat by-product known affectionately as ‘pork’ has been classified as a meat, mainly due to the Anglo-Saxon ruling on warm-blooded mammals. Over the past two years there have been numerous appeals from religious groups to make pork a vegetable. Now WOOFS has surprised the world by declaring that pork will indeed be relieved of its duties as a meat.

This is not a first, as way back in 1542 King James V, obviously fed up at being the fifth James in a row, declared that Christians, Catholics, Jews and Mormons would be allowed to eat fish on a Friday. This had previously been banned in the Church as it was deemed that Friday was a day of fasting from meats. Most people would eat just vegetables but were now permitted to partake in fish-eating practices. It was only in 1997 that meat was once again on the menu for certain religions on Fridays, however 76% of religious scholars decreed that nobody should pay heed to this decree.

With pork now officially a vegetable, The Daily Skid wanted to gauge the opinion of those involved in this dramatic move to the right. We spoke to the Extremely Bishop Mark Danielson, who told us, “Today is a very sad day for traditionalists, as pork has been a classic meat dish for many a year. How can a group of men decide that something can turn into a vegetable all of a sudden? It is the height of stupidity. They don’t know what they are talking about. Pork is pork and anyone who says it isn’t pork doesn’t know their pork. I would love to hear their justification for this.”

We put this argument to a representative of WOOFS. Head of research, Lord Grovelet-Beaning, rebuffed the Bishop’s claims and told us, “Does he not realise that for many a millenia people have had to put up with a very limited colour palette when it comes to vegetables? Green, beige and the occasional yellow or orange does nothing to help them cope with their affliction. By changing the grade of pork to vegetable we are bringing a new colour to the table, being pink. This will give many religious people a wider variety of shades to view on a Friday when they must refrain from meat-eating.”

We asked whether any further meats would be subject to a change in appropriation. Grovelet-Beaning informed us, “I don’t know, we will have to see what happens in the future. I know that beef will be safe because, let’s face it, who wants a brown vegetable?”

With pork now classified as a vegetable, the common English phrase connected to a Sunday Roast will officially change from ‘meat and two veg’ to simply ‘three veg’. Sources at Scotland Yard have told us that anyone referring to pork as a meat will be punished with an ‘on-the-spot fine’ of £250, including anyone referring to a Sunday Roast with pork as ‘meat and two veg’. The public are warned that they are to be very careful in the future. We understand that allotment owners are most at risk of falling fowl of this new law.

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