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Canadian Ice Hockey Team Withdraws from Winter Olympics


The world famous Canadian Ice Hockey National team (Men’s) have withdrawn from the upcoming Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia. The Canadian Olympic Committee have told the world’s media that this is in protest against the Russian government’s ‘Anti-Gay Movement’.

In the years leading up to the next Winter Olympics, people all over the world have been concerned at the Russian government’s apparent ‘Gay Bashing’. Never before in the history of the Olympics has there been such a close scrutiny of a host country’s political beliefs, but this year it is different. High-profile public figures have spoken out against the homophobic Russian policy, including actor and writer Stephen Fry and America’s favourite comedian Barack Obama.

Canadian Ice Hockey head coach Mike Babcock explained, “By doing this we are standing up to a very strict and prejudiced regime in Russia. Despite the rumours, we are not doing this because every member of the team is homosexual, that is simply not the case. We are doing this to prove a point. You shouldn’t be able to get away with saying such horrid things against queers, they are human too and have feelings. We know that we are not the only country to take a stance, we believe that the USA Ice Hockey team is considering wearing rainbow spandex as their kit.”

Vladimir Putin defended his country’s policy, “We are not saying people cannot be gay, we just don’t want to hear about it. Nobody complained in 1936 when both the Summer and Winter Olympics were held in Nazi Germany. Are people trying to say we are worse than that lot. Besides, it is well known that I once had a gay experience myself. I mean, come on, have you seen how hunky my foreign secretary Sergey Lavrov is? Who could resist, even his name has a gay ring to it.”

President of the IOC, Thomas Bach, commented, “All this fuss over a bit of pansy whacking (Ed – German dialect, who are we to comment) is nonsense. People should uplift the Olympic spirit, cuddle and make up. We can’t change what a country believes so we must embrace every culture like it is our own. For a few weeks please just forget all you read and hear, instead concentrate on enjoying the sport. If the Canadians want to be big babies aboot this, then perhaps we are better off without them.”

In response to a request by the Russian government he continued, “We have also decided not to uphold the Russian government’s request that competitors be banned from wearing tight-fitting clothes.”

Canada were due to play Norway in the Preliminary Round on 13th February. This match will now be awarded to the Norwegian team unless the Haitian Olympic Federation can raise a team to replace Canada in time for the first game. There are concerns in some quarters at the lack of ice in Haiti, and slight concerns over the fact that they have only ever had one ice hockey player (information on Haiti’s ice hockey pedigree here).

A spokesman for the Hatian Olympic Federation told The Daily Skid, “We have an ice hockey pedigree Aruba can only dream of. I am sure we can raise a team.”

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